Social Anxiety and Dating: UNFAIR for Guys!? (my experience)

In this video, I talk about why it’s so much more difficult for a guy who is shy, quiet and introverted like you to get a girlfriend or even a date.

(By the way, click here for the free report I mention at the end of the video called “3 Simple Steps To Overcome Shyness Around Girls.” — I guarantee you’ll love this!)

I decided to make this video because I kept getting emails from women and girls that sounded like this:

“I have really bad social anxiety and my boyfriend tells me I’m too quiet and need to make some friends.”

My first reaction to these emails was: “You have social anxiety and no friends and you still have a boyfriend?!”

But this is no freak accident. In fact it’s COMMON for quiet and shy girls to still have no trouble finding a boyfriend. I soon figured out the reason why…

See, as long as a girl is reasonably attractive, there will usually be a guy willing to invest the time and effort to get to know her slowly and get her out of her shell. And BOOM… a girl with social anxiety now has a boyfriend.

On the other hand, this will almost never happen to a guy. At best, a girl may give a guy a few “signals” that she’s interested. Usually she thinks these are obvious, but to guys they’re very subtle… so a girl could like you for years without you ever knowing and asking her out. And 99.9% of the time she will NEVER ask you out.

I’m speaking from personal experience as well as YEARS of interacting with shy guys who can’t seem to attract a girlfriend even though they are intelligent, not ugly, and good people.

What Makes Dating Hard For Men Who Are Shy, Quiet or Introverted

So that’s one of the four things I talk about in the video:

1. The guy is always expected to initiate, which means risking rejection and embarrassment.

The other 3 things are:

2. An introverted guy may not know WHERE to begin meeting women. If he doesn’t have a huge social circle, knows dating women from work is usually a bad idea, and hates loud bars or clubs with their drunken teenagers… then where?

(Online dating is one option, but even there the game is stacked against men.)

3. A shy guy may be too sensitive to getting positive signals or “green lights” from a woman before showing her he’s interested by asking her out, asking for her phone number, going for the kiss, etc. I know you’d rather avoid major embarrassment and you also just don’t want to make her uncomfortable.

And the problem is, women will rarely give you these “green lights,” even if they DO like you. See, if a woman likes a man, she may become more shy to avoid “messing up.”

Or she may even TRY to appear uninterested because she thinks this will make the guy more attracted. (A lot of women’s magazines repeat this advice over and over again.)

4. Confidence is probably the #1 thing that women say they want… yet it’s almost impossible to be confident without experience. If you’ve never had a girlfriend, or it’s been years since you’ve kissed a girl, then how can you possible be confident?

Some people tell you “Just fake it ’til you make it!” … but for me personally that type of overly simple motivational advice just never worked.

So What Next?

If you want to START learning the type of advice that actually does help, then check out my report called “3 Simple Steps To Overcome Shyness Around Girls.”

And I’ll be back next week with a new video.

About the author

Sean Cooper

I study all areas of psychology, sharing what works (and what doesn't) for overcoming shyness and social anxiety. After curing my own severe social anxiety I created "The Shyness and Social Anxiety System" to help others. This program has received stunning reviews from psychologists and people like you.

Now it's my life's mission is to help 25,000 people get the confidence, friends and romantic partner you want!

Read more about me here.


  • I totally agree Sean! Women can be considered demure when they are shy by society (not that it makes women feel any better on the inside), whereas guys are often considered wimps, wusses, and weak. Of course it’s all how we create our reality inside-out as you know, and that all can be changed for the guy.

  • I’ve got to disagree with your assessment on socially anxious women having it easy. I won’t disagree that men have it hard, maybe harder, but I am a 27 year old girl who has never had a boy friend because the few times any guy has expressed interest in me, they aren’t “willing to invest the time and effort to get to know [me] slowly.” They all seem gung ho for something I’m not ready for and they decide I’m not worth their time.
    And I have just as much of a fear of rejection, no one ever asked for my number until I was 25, and the one time I attempted to “initiate” since no one else was bothering, I was rejected.
    So either I’m an anomaly or we seemed to generalize incorrectly for both sexes…

    • really never had a boyfriend before at 27? well it is surprising when i hear of a woman what is 25+, or 30+ years of age and never had a relationship before, more surprising than the other way around because women don’t have to approach and make the first move, be the initiator, but i’d imagine the women in that age bracket who have never had a boyfriend before or are a virgin is much smaller than the other way around

  • I will never ask a woman out because rejection is always guaranteed. If there was a shred of evidence that a particular woman might say yes, I’d ask – but this is never the case. The 99 to 1 ‘rule’ only holds true when there is actually a woman who will say yes. In my case, it’s 100 to 0, and so the incentive to try is non-existent.

  • I never ask women out because rejection is always 100% guaranteed – there is no point. I’m not scared of being rejected – I know full well that it’s inevitable every time so I spare myself the bother, embarrassment and pain of even trying. No woman could ever be even slightly attracted to me – that would be impossible.

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