3 Steps To Get A Girlfriend If You’re Shy or Insecure

cute girlfriend in field

It’s tough being a shy guy in the dating game. I’ve heard the same cries for help repeated countless times from “smart” and “nice” guys who have been totally ignored by women most of their life. I was one of them.

Growing up, if I liked a girl, then it would feel literally impossible for me to ask her out. What if she said no? Then I’d have to awkwardly see her at school or work again and again.

Even worse: what if she liked me too? Then what would we talk about? What if the date was super awkward? What do people even do with a partner?

And to top it off, for years I was extremely insecure. I knew I looked ugly growing up, I was scared to smile because of my slightly crooked front teeth, and I believed my appearance was the reason no girls ever showed interest in me. Many shy guys are the same way. We’re devastatingly insecure about either our appearance or lifestyle (being a loser/loner).

So for years, I watched from the sidelines as the girls I liked went out with the more popular and confident guys.

Shy women usually don’t have the same problems that shy guys do. I talked about this in my video on social anxiety and dating. As long as a girl is attractive to a man, he will often see her as girlfriend material… even if she happens to be shy, quiet or socially awkward. (Don’t get me wrong, women have many of their own unique frustrations in dating. But being shy is usually not the same insurmountable block for them as it is for men.)

The truth is that many shy men can easily go years without having a girlfriend, dating or even kissing a girl. Some women claim that shyness is cute and that you should just “be yourself”… but when they say “shy” they probably mean the strong silent type of guy, not the nervous shaky socially awkward mess like many of us are.

Why Is Being A Shy Guy So Difficult?

  1. Well, the first obvious reason is that confidence and social status are some of the most attractive things to a woman. Think back to your high school, who were all the cutest girls dating? The popular and cool guys, the ones who spoke up fearlessly, a.k.a. the ones with the most social power. Even when women say they like a guy with “intelligence” or a “sense of humor”… well you have to have some social skills for people to even see you have these qualities! If you’re sitting in a corner of class not saying a word to anyone, nobody gets a chance to see how smart or funny you are.
  2. A second problem: It’s extremely rare for a girl to initiate and ask a guy out. At best, they might send body language signals they are interested, but guys often miss or misinterpret these signals. So shy guys have to somehow overcome that paralyzing anxiety we feel when being around a girl we find attractive and usually society puts the pressure on us to be the more assertive one.
  3. Lastly, what do you even say to her? This is one of the most common question I get. And if you don’t know how to carry on an enjoyable interesting conversation that spark a girl’s interest… then no girl will ever seem interested in you, and asking her out may even be a weird thing to do. (So later you’ll learn more about how and what to talk about with women.)

In this article, I’m going to provide you with key pointers to getting the relationship you want. I’m going to start off with the basics so that even a guy who is a virgin and totally confused about dating, can begin taking his first steps to having a girlfriend.

1. Where To Meet A Girl?

4 attractive women

You could become a stock photographer. Thats one way to meet women.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer for where to find your dream girl. Successful couples have met each other in many different places, in many different ways. In fact, one of my reasons for writing this article is to bust a lot of the MYTHS that some so-called “pick up” or dating coaches are spreading.

Busting The Clubs & Bars Myth

When I was first trying to overcome my shyness around girls… I went out of my way to go to clubs.Why? Because some random dating coaches online recommended it. My apartment was even a few blocks away from one of the main nightlife areas in the city, so it was easy to walk there.

Can you guess what happened? Clubs were awful (to me). I hated the obnoxious blaring music. Pretending that I liked dancing. Heck, I barely even drank alcohol. So I had basically thrown myself into a social situation where it’s the HARDEST to meet women if you’re a more introverted or intelligent guy. It took me a few months of banging my head against the wall to realize the obvious:

Women are everywhere. And the vast majority of women aren’t going to be out clubbing past maybe a few times in their college years. (Maybe they’ll sometimes go to bars with friends.) But that’s actually a good thing, because most women spend their time in less obnoxious environments. And while other dating coaches advise to chat to people in coffee shops, bookstores and supermarkets, I believe it’s more important to think about:

Where Can You Meet A Compatible Girl?

Stop thinking about where to meet any girl. Start thinking about where you can meet the girl who is right for you. 

The problem with meeting girls at nightclubs or even going to one of those”single people events” is that there’s a very small chance that you are compatible with a random girl.

  • If you’re into self development or health, then maybe the best place to meet someone for you is at a yoga class, meditation class or health course.
  • If you’re a college student, then maybe that’s the girl beside you in class, or the one picking up a book similar to the one you’re buying at the bookstore.
  • If you’re a frat bro that likes to drink lots of beer and watch sports (if you’re reading this article, probably not…) then maybe a sports bar or frat party is the right place for you.

The first step to finding a girlfriend is to put yourself into situations where you can meet many different girls that have a high chance of being compatible with you. This doesn’t mean you both need to be the #1 and #2 Harry Potter fans. It’s more about finding people who have compatible values, lifestyle, and personal energy.

(Side note: Approaching random people is risky, you’re always taking the chance they will take your approach as unwanted. So if you do this, always be as respectful of the other person as you can and mindful of their safety. For example, don’t try starting a conversation in a place where they can’t quickly leave like an elevator or bus. When I was younger I did approach random people in bars and in the city, and while it’s a very inefficient way of meeting someone truly compatible, it did help me to build my confidence and social skills. Meeting people at a business or networking event feels easy in comparison to the intense fear of rejection most men feel even thinking about saying hi to a beautiful woman.)

So, where do most guys meet their girlfriends?

  1. Through school, work or hobbies. (This is probably the best place, where you’ll meet people similar to your age with overlapping values/interests. But at work most people know it’s best to avoid any romance, unless it’s absolutely clear you’re both very interested in each other and you want to date in a more conservative/traditional way.)
  2. Through friends. (And where do you meet friends? Through one of the places in point #1.)
  3. Online dating is also getting more popular. Although I’m personally not a big fan, almost a quarter of adults ages 25-34 years old have now used online dating. (source)


Write down a list of 5 places you could go to meet compatible women. If you’re at home all day every day, then the rest of this article won’t help you much. You have to put yourself into situations where you have a chance to come in contact with women. That’s the first step. If you don’t have many friends or a social circle, then you’ll have to get some or be proactive in other ways.

Remember any hobbies have you ever thought of trying (drawing, martial arts, volleyball, etc) and see where those classes are offered. Even if you don’t meet a girlfriend, you could make new friends that later introduce you to the girls in their social circle.

Now to the next step…

2. Why Aren’t Women Attracted To You?

Growing up, I was surrounded by girls. (Most of us are.) I saw hundreds of girls in classes, part time jobs or elsewhere. And yet, I still never had a girlfriend. Even in my first year of university, where there were so many cute women everywhere, I still didn’t manage to go on my first date.

So clearly, just being in a situation where you’re NEAR a lot of girls is not automatically going to get you a girlfriend.

Don’t Be Yourself

Well-meaning people may tell shy guys that you just need to “be yourself” and eventually some girl will fall in love with you. Just like in the movies.


Don’t believe them. The movies aren’t real. Script writers just write what people WANT to be true. Here’s how reality actually works:

If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.

“Being yourself” is not going to get you a girlfriend. You’ve already tried that. Has it worked? Since you’re reading this article, probably not. So if you want a girlfriend, then you’ll need to do something different. You’ll need to BE someone different.

Looking back now, it’s no wonder girls never showed any interest in me. The truth was, I was a loner and not a very attractive person. Constantly depressed, feeling awful, insecure, little sense of fashion and not able to even look a cute woman in the eyes for more than 1 second.

I had to change myself and my behavior before my dating results changed. I had to become a more assertive, outgoing and interesting person. I had to overcome many of my old anxieties and build new conversation skills. I had to learn how to become comfortable with myself and comfortable connecting with other people.

(Important note: Becoming comfortable with yourself is much different than “being yourself” and not changing. You cannot have close personal relationships unless you are comfortable with yourself.)

How Attraction Works, According To Science

First, let’s think about what attracts men.

What grabs your attention? If we’re going to be honest, it’s a woman’s appearance first and foremost. A cute face, nice breasts, round hips, soft skin, a certain walk. Men are wired to feel attraction to a woman whose body displays signs of fertility, health and youth.

attractive girl in yellow sweaterI want you to now imagine a girl or woman you have a crush on. How does she look? Probably really cute. Guys can like a girl a lot just because of how she looks… even if you’ve barely talked to her in the past.

Now, I’m not saying that looks are everything to men, but in the beginning they’re the primary thing that attracts us to a girl in the first place. Only after we find a girl physically attractive are we open to being even more won over by her personality, common interests, etc.

Was there ever a time when you didn’t notice a girl at all (weren’t attracted), then she turned out to have a sense of humor and you were now very interested? Probably not, yet this happens to women all the time.

Why do men tend to be visual and more superficial? Because that’s the way evolution designed us. It wired us to be attracted to a women likely to produce healthy kids with great genes.

For example, ever noticed how the woman is almost always a few years younger than the man in any couple? Have you ever wondered why this is? Why isn’t the women in a couple usually the older one?

Because a younger woman was more likely to have a healthy pregnancy in the past. Whether this is true or not today doesn’t matter. It was true a few thousand and a few million years ago. And that’s when the attraction circuits in our brains were designed by evolution. Cavemen who mated with younger women were more likely to have healthy and surviving kids, so now guys are wired to be attracted to younger women in general.

(Note that I’m talking about what is generally true, but there are always many exceptions.)

Scientific studies have also found that men across cultures prefer about a 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio. Why? Because it’s this body shape that would most successfully give birth to a child in our distant past. Turns out human babies have really big heads to fit our big brains. On top of that, the fat stores around the hips are used in the later stages of pregnancy, allowing a woman to survive to have the baby and breastfeed it in our past when food was scarce.

“Between 1955 and 1987 the waist- hip ratio of Ms America contestants and Playboy playmates varied only between 0.68 and 0.71.” – Professor Devendra Singh at the University of Texas

This male desire for youth, health and fertility is also why women have the instinct of beauty enhancement. Across almost all cultures, almost all women wear makeup to make their lips and eyes look bigger… and almost all guys don’t. Younger women also wear much more revealing or skintight clothing than guys do, at least in the countries without conservative taboos about women’s clothing.

The reason why I’m explaining to you how a man’s attraction system works is so you realize that attraction is not a choice. You cannot choose who you are attracted to or not. Attraction is a reaction, it’s a feeling that happens automatically in response to a stimulus. For men that stimulus is firstly visual: long shiny hair, big eyes, a curvy body, etc.

Its not you its biology joe quirkNow here’s where all this science becomes useful…

What Makes A Man Attractive?

Women are also attracted to indicators that their offspring and genes would survive… but this has little to do with the man’s body.

Here’s how the entertaining evolutionary biology book, “It’s Not You, It’s Biology” explains it:

A man is attracted to a women’s ability to grow a baby inside her. A woman is attracted to a man’s ability to grow a baby outside him. How does he do that? Resources.

In any species that survives by cooperation, stuff is gotten through social power. In all social species with pair-bonds, females are attracted to evidence that males display a chance for power in the community.

Humans compete less for territory than for rank. The attention of the tribe is a kind of psychic territory where we harvest the resources we cooperative apes need to survive. He who controls the attention is high status and sexually attractive.

It basically means your looks aren’t nearly as important to attract a girlfriend as you probably believed. Sure, if you’re physically unattractive or overweight, it may be harder… but the primary thing that attracts or repels girls is not your looks.

I’ll mention this example again…

If you think back to your high school or college, who were all the cutest girls dating? The popular and charismatic guys, the ones who threw parties, led the sports team, etc. There’s a reason why the stereotype of the high school quarterback dating the school cheerleader exists. Back in my high school, I can remember two guys who were very chubby, but they still got girlfriends easily because they were funny and confident.

And here’s more good news: confidence and social status are mostly communicated with your behavior. It’s about the way you talk, the way you act, the way your beliefs work. And your behavior can be changed with learning, practice and repetition. This means you can become more attractive to women by working on yourself.

First You Need To Feel Valuable Inside

There’s just one problem: confidence is hard to fake. If you feel insecure about how you look, and you secretly think you’re a loser compared to other people, and you’re sweating with nervousness whenever you talk to a cute woman… then it’s going to be really difficult to just “act” confident. This is why in my courses I focus a lot on changing your inner thought patterns and beliefs, not just learning new conversation tricks. When you feel good about yourself, then confidence comes more easily and naturally.

One of the key ways to feel more comfortable and confident around cute girls is to stop putting them on a pedestal in your mind. That’s a big focus of my popular article on overcoming shyness around girls. (You should go read that article as soon as you’re finished with this one.) If you can see a woman as a human being with her own quirks, weaknesses and flaws (just like you), then you won’t feel nearly as intimidated by her. And when you feel comfortable, it’s much easier for your natural personality and sense of humor to shine through like it does among your closest friend.

That’s also why often the best dating advice is to work on yourself. Improving your grooming, style and lifestyle will make you feel like a much more valuable person, and that will naturally shine through to anyone that talks to you.

Which brings me to the third step of this article…

3. How To Talk To Her?

young couple flirtingThe most common question shy guys have with dating is “What do I say to her?”

In fact, this question reveals that most shy guys are focused on the wrong thing.

Much more important than the words you say to her is how you talk to her. Of course, you don’t want to awkwardly be running out of things to say, but a girl becomes attracted to a guy because of the behavior underneath his words, not because of the words themselves.

The Behavior Underneath Your Words

What do I mean by this? Well, the most straightforward examples are:

  1. Strong eye contact. Most shy guys break eye contact with people quickly because the tension makes them too nervous. Yet being able to comfortably look her directly in the eyes is a sign of a high status man. (In fact, this is why you should never look monkeys in the eye… they may feel their dominance threatened and attack you.)
  2. A clear resonant voice. Speaking up in a clear way shows people that you value what comes out of your mouth. Instead of a weak voice that people find hard to hear. I believe this is a sign of approval-seeking: people are hard to hear when they are afraid of being judged. And signs of seeking approval are low status and therefore unattractive.
  3. Feeling relaxed and comfortable inside. Something I learned from Dr. Robert Glover: a woman is looking for a man to be part of her emotional security system. So if you are nervously fidgeting and feeling tense, then she can’t relax talking to you, and will be instinctively turned off.

These are just 3 simple examples of behaviors that can instantly make you more or less attractive to a girl. These types of behaviors underneath your words communicate more about you and your level of social “power”, than words ever could. Scientists call this your meta-communication. Improve it, and you’ll become much more attractive to women.

(Important note: Nobody needs to have perfect bullet-proof “alpha male” confidence to get a girlfriend, you just need to make some improvements in the right direction.)

As long as we’re on the topic of how to talk to girls, I need to mention one more thing…

Touch Her!

Okay, let’s clear this up: obviously most of us know not to randomly touch a woman we’ve just begun talking to.

But when you’ve made it on a date, and if both of you are feeling chemistry (enthusiastic talking/laughing) then you can try some light touches on the shoulder/forearm at high points in the conversation. If you do this casually without bringing attention to it, then it won’t be inappropriate. In fact, when guys talk to each other they often lightly touch or tap each other like this all the time, on the back, shoulders or arms. A small amount of safe physical touch (in the context of a romantic date) can be the secret to avoiding the “friend zone” many guys complain about and turning a regular friendly conversation into something with a romantic spark.

Conclusion And Next Steps

I hope this article has given you a few key pointers on where to meet a potential girlfriend, what really triggers a woman’s attraction, and how to communicate in a high status way so that women find you more attractive.

These insights really helped me, and now my dating life is certainly above average. I’ve dated multiple women who have offered to be my girlfriend. Having choice instead of loneliness feels great, and I deeply wish for you to experience the same transformation I did.

If you enjoyed this post, then I have some good news.

I’ve put together an email course specifically about how to overcome shyness around girls. These emails are going to go more in-depth about how to meet girls, what to say to make them attracted, how to get sexual, and so on. This course is NOT for guys who can get some dates already. It’s specifically designed for guys who are very shy around girls.

This is going to be a completely FREE email course (for now). But since there is so much demand for this information I may take it down any day and instead sell a product on overcoming shyness around girls.

Sign up for it by clicking the orange button inside this box:

About the author

Sean Cooper

I study all areas of psychology, sharing what works (and what doesn't) for overcoming shyness and social anxiety. After curing my own severe social anxiety I created "The Shyness and Social Anxiety System" to help others. This program has received stunning reviews from psychologists and people like you.

Now it's my life's mission is to help 25,000 people get the confidence, friends and romantic partner you want!

Read more about me here.


  • Love the article. Absolutely love it. It’s my favorite article on your site so far and it goes a lot more in-depth than what I remember from the previous one. Thanks for the advice and the direction.

  • Why are all these videos and most of the articles for the man.
    I have had a problem from the first memories of my life and it still is ongoing.
    I am 70 years young.
    I don’t see much to your website for information.
    Not really a happy camper

  • This article and the behavior being described is EXACTLY ehatbmy life had been. Kinda insane how similar these traits are. Still despite the advice I can’t see myself doing those things.

    • Bet I Have anther problem That the girlfriend is in anther school and she is best than me in the marks and she don’t know that i love her . What i can do! . every thing you say didn’t work.?????

  • But to put any of your great tips – here or elsewhere – into practice, a guy has to actually be able to visualize the possibility of success with a woman in the first place. I’m 37, never asked a woman out and never been kissed. I have tried for decades to accept that a woman somewhere might find me attractive enough to talk to – and perhaps even date – but no matter what anyone says, I can’t do it. This is why I’m chronically single. Thanks for your help, but some of us are hopeless.

  • I’m sorry but this is only for confident enough people. Those unlike me. I will always have a hole in my life.

  • Ok so the girl I like is in band I don’t know if she likes me I have almost the exact same thoght process as you when it comes to this that’s my problem pretry much she is kinds shy like me bt I don’t know of she likes me I try to find the right time but when I plan it out there’s always that one last thoght that she will say no right before I ask so do u have anyway I could get over that

  • Actually its not confidence that attracts women, its good looks.You can prove this just by making a whole heap of fake profiles on dating sites.Women will only ever reply to the ones with attractive looks.Even if the profile says they are millionaire CEO of a multinational corp. the women show no interest unless they good looking.The thing about confidence is a myth…

    • it’s not like you can feel other people their personality through the screen. you shouldn’t be using dating sites in the first place, they’re just booty call apps designed to hook you up with a one night stand

  • Thanks dude. best thing I have heard all day.I have a really big crush on a light skinned Indian girl but I am black.Your advice is the best shyness advice you deserve a Award for a big contribution to mankind ?????

  • wow it’s a great one sir you’ve turched me a lot through these. And iv’e changed and have developed the normal skills i want in things of dating,thank u for providing this………..

  • As you say, the truth is that many shy men can go months or even years without having a date or being kissed. I’m 37 and have never had a date or a kiss – I can’t approach women because I honestly believe every woman will reject me guaranteed. I’ve tried to become confident – but no matter what I do, I just see an ugly loser looking back at me every time I look in the mirror.

    • Do a Vipassana meditation course

      It may completely change your perspective on life.
      I know it seems a bit irrelevant, but it just occurred to me when I read your comment.
      Please read this for some background – https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/about/art
      I personally believe it can help someone under almost any circumstance. (The purpose of Vipassana is not to get a girlfriend, but to be content in your life, to be truly happy)

      Before you write it off as a cult etc., just consider reading about it first. I’m not advertising it, I simply think you could benefit from it.

    • “All it takes is a leap of faith.”
      The first time I asked someone was indirectly, it doesn’t matter if they reject you, you’ll get back to the same reputation with that person in no time whatsoever. I can guarantee you that, if you act how you were with that person.

  • “Don’t Be Yourself”, “I had to become a more assertive, outgoing and interesting person.” – Well that’s great advice. Let’s just say I don’t want to be with a girl when I need to be someone else. I perfectly like the way I am, I just don’t like the way I act sometimes around women. What you should say is: “practice makes perfect”. I believe that many failures eventually lead to success. You just need to learn from them, so you know how to behave more relaxed and more confident about yourself when you are around women.
    Never should you not be yourself!

  • Unfortunately some of us are just beyond help – and know it. I’ve never tried to ask any woman out because no woman has ever shown the slightest interest in me. I’m really physically ugly (nobody has ever told me that – I just know) and will never embarrass a woman by approaching her. I’m not happy with this, but several counsellors over the past 10 years have not helped me at all – so I consider myself fundamentally and permanently unlovable. Any thoughts on how to cope with this fact?

    • I’m in the same boat. 38, never so much as had a proper conversation with a woman, let alone any hint of romance/intimacy. It’s a constant background ache that sometimes flares up and becomes excruciating, but to cope with it I just remind myself that there are millions of other people out there dealing with far worse problems than this and they still get on with things. Also, being single has perks outside of being allowed to sleep with people. You save money and you get plenty of time to indulge your own interests.

      tl;dr: Count your blessings and try not to compare them to other people’s.

    • Become a born again Christian and get a steady job, join a big evangelical Pentecostal church. There are many single Christian women in their thirties still waiting for the one. Learn to play guitar if need be , get in shape. Many more couples you see with a in real life with an ‘ugly’ man and pretty women = this.. You fAith in god will also give you confidence and a safe environment to get to know a community people build you social skills.

    • Paul, Have you considered the fact that no girl has shown interest because you’ve never asked? I went 25 years without dating, until a few months ago when I asked a girl out, and she said yes immediately. Of course after a few months things fell apart, mostly because of my lack of confidence and inexperience. But I’m starting to feel like I can find someone, now that I know a little better. Even if you look like a monster, I’m certain you can find someone if you let go of the fear of embarrassment. There is nothing stopping you except you.

      • I have never asked because since other guys by default are [or can become] more attractive than I could ever be, there is no point in doing so. If an attractive man asks a woman out, it’s ‘flirting’, if an unattractive man (like me) asks a woman out – irrespective of how / when / where he does it – he is a creep.

    • I know this is a really late comment and hopefully you see it somehow, but I think what you need to work on is not changing your behavior and confidence toward women, but learning to love yourself more. Do stuff that makes you feel more accomplished or attractive. Work out at the gym, make a lot of money, learn to dance, play a sport and get good at it. If you do one of those things, you can think “Man I’ve gotten really good at tennis, I can’t be worthless if im this good.”. Try building some muscle. You can’t deny that many women like fit men and if u have it, you can think “I know she wont be turned off by my fitness level at least”. You just need to love yourself more and think more highly of yourself. How can anyone else love you if you don’t love yourself first. Hope this helped.

    • Find a hobby? But accepting that you’re “beyond hope” is the wrong attitude. I have the same problem as you (well I did have one girlfriend, back in the days when I’d sometimes get so drunk that my lack of inhibitions, not to mention drunken arousal, finally out-balanced my shyness, but haven’t had another date in the following 20 years), except that I’m actually attractive. So don’t blame it all on your looks. You could still get an ugly girl, or even better if you have a good personality (super funny or something). I’m sure it’s a lot more about your anxiety than it is about your looks.

      • This has nothing to do withy my looks, state of health / fitness, skills, hobbies or professional/financial success: I have all of these things and more in droves. In spite of this ‘success’, I do not feel good about myself at all. In fact I don’t see any point in approaching any woman because she has a choice among guys – and no matter what, I just don’t feel like I can compete against other guys, all of whom are / can be attractive to women. As I indicated previously, I’ve never approached any woman because no woman has ever shown the slightest interest in me and will never embarrass a woman by approaching her – there is no evidence that any woman could be interested in me.

  • yeah well it’s either im ironic or i was hitler in a past life because NO ONE EVEN HAS THE BLODDY DECENCY TO NOTICE ME even if i talk to a girl they ignore me it must be that being a nerd is a bad thing to the girls

  • this is what i’ve been looking for. but it still does not help at all. im 23 and i’ve never had a girlfriend, many of my friends do, or even married already. i mean when i was a kid i grew up very lonely, just with my father in a village. maybe i just did not received basic things that everyone has, like confidence, specifically in this thing with girls. i know im smart and strong, and everyone around says i look good or hot. but i never believe that. i feel sick when i look at the mirror. and yes, pretty much like everyone else i dont think i deserve any of this. but ffs does anyone has any kind of theory, why, once i look at the girl i like, my mind turn dark and evil. why. i rly do need a girlfriend cos im getting more insane everyday, but once i see someone nice, i instantly turn dark, and i start feeling as if i dont need love or any of this. i have some theories, but i just want to hear others 😀

    • Feelings of unworthiness caused by the way you were raised. And now you’re addicted to the feeling of power and control that “dark thoughts” give you, and you’re unwilling to give it up because you don’t know what you’d be without it and you’d no longer have any excuse for your situation.

      The bad news is you’re doomed because you won’t acknowledge the addiction and even if you did, you wouldn’t be able to break it. Don’t worry; some people have to go through life unable to see, hear, walk, etc. You just have to go without intimacy. You get used to it. If you ever snap, just make sure to direct your rage only at yourself, not others.

  • Women need to start initiating about half the time. There’s no excuse for them to always have to be asked. There’s nothing to lose or be afraid of on their part. They got more control and sway than men ever will have. But I’m sure this won’t change. I’m even what would be considered good looking, with a lot of Charisma but I cannot ask a woman out I guess it is extreme social anxiety. I’m 37 almost and never had a long-term relationship. But a few women over the years have ask me out or whatever and then after that I have the courage to engage. But if I don’t know, no way in hell am I going to walk up and do that again. From my teens to my early twenties that’s all I got was rejected. Granted I didn’t do it that much, because it was crushing with extreme depression, social anxiety, and having been neglected as a child. Also when things were going good in my household the women ran things and that’s what I’m used to. I look at it as kind of weak if a woman doesn’t say what’s on her mind. I’m used to it being 50-50. But I guess every woman in society is still trying to be a Barbie doll that needs to be led by the hand and told what to do… I am almost suicidally embittered by this. Because Everywhere I Go I see these people effortlessly together and holding hands and all this stuff and I can’t even come close to relating to that. Anyways it seems kind of unfair that is required a man ask out a woman… I got all this s*** going for me so they tell me, and I’m going to end up dying in a room sitting on a chair in front of a TV or something like an old man with his best years far gone behind him. If I don’t blow my head off first… Sorry to get dark. The psychological impact of being alone for your whole life and being constantly reminded of it is unbelievably painful when that’s all you want is to have a relationship. I wish things would change… but no way in hell I’m going to ask a woman out ever again there’s nothing more painful than giving her that power and then of course she’ll turn you down… Most people like to hurt people and have a feeling of power over others and women are no exception… now to get on with my day…

    • I feel like I’m in your exact situation, although I’m working hard to get myself out of it. I’m not as old as you (I’m 25), and it’s already overwhelming feeling like I’m losing my youth after never dating. I asked a girl out for the first time 5 months ago, and she said yes, but after a lot of drama she decided she was no longer attracted to me, and found a more confident man. Asking that girl out was the hardest thing I’ve ever said to someone, and for a while I also thought how nice killing myself would be, but even though things ultimately went down in flames, I’m glad I asked her out because the experience, although bad, was enlightening. I think you’re worried about how bad things might turn out, but perhaps the best thing to do would be to accept that the first time you manage to land a date will go horribly. Maybe it’ll be the most awkward experience of your life. But you’ll learn from it, and each time you land a new date, you’ll grow more confident. Losing always hurts, but you can always make up for that time, as long as you take those failures as learning experiences and not a “sign” that you’ll never get better.

    • But there is, women HATE being rejected, hurts them more than us. This is the real reason a woman won’t ask a man out, fear of rejection, but they feel men don’t have the same fear.

  • I am going with a group in a restaurant today , last I met a very cute girl there but didn’t dare to continue conversation with her or to ask her out. I was miserable for next two days, now today I have one more chance, I will try my best to overcome this anxiety related to depression. I am very nervous though.

  • But where is the article : what if you HAVE a girlfriend and your socially awkwardness makes you do or say stuff that fucks it up, how to be in a relationship. Cause that’s really what my boyfriend needs. I’m looking all over the internet for tips ‘how to deal with someone who is socially awkward’ but i can only find stuff about how to fix it for yourself. I want to help..

  • I’m 48 and never asked a woman out in my life – never held hands or been kissed. I’ve also never had sex – no woman could be interested in me so I’d have to pay someone by the hour for basic human intimacy and that isn’t the kind of person I am. Either a guy is attractive enough for a woman to want to be with him or he isn’t, and for those like me who clearly aren’t, it’s just too bad… It pains me that there is no point whatsoever in a guy as unattractive as me even trying to approach any woman – I’m almost certain to be accused of harassment – of which the court of public opinion would find me automatically guilty.

  • I’m 37 and have never had a girlfriend or sex – or even been kissed. I’m not the kind of guy who’s willing to pay for it – which is the only way I could ever have any form of physical intimacy. No woman could ever want me, so I never ask women out because rejection – at a bare minimum is always guaranteed – if not worse (she’d likely run in horror, and/or accuse me of harassment just for smiling and saying Hi).

    Online dating is a complete waste of time for me – no woman would ever look at me – and if I were to message a woman, there is no chance whatsoever I’d get a reply. Other guys get dates, girlfriends, etc., because they are attractive men – at least to somebody. I am fundamentally unattractive to women, so please don’t tell me that dating is a numbers game, to gain confidence, or to put myself out there and get rejected 10 thousand times. There is zero chance any woman could be sexually attracted to me, so there is no point in trying.

  • Dating is an ordeal to many people, not just men. You’re born, if you’re lucky you get to live relatively peacefully during infancy and then you suddenly find yourself entering your teens. Your hormones kick in, approaching and seducing women becomes a prerequisite. There’s no escaping it, even if you’re unable to act on your desires because of flaws that can’t be corrected.

    A significant minority of adults isn’t at all able to meet the demands posed by their biology. Nature obviously doesn’t care whether you’re unattractive, uncharismatic, weird, unfashionable or traumatised, but – and this is far more worrying and alarming- neither does society. Most people will berate or even shun those who are romantically unsuccesful, causing those who struggle with romance and relationships to settle for a partner they aren’t attracted to, to withdraw from society altogether or (more rarely) to engage in random acts of violence in order to blow off steam.

    I think society would be healthier if people stopped shaming those who aren’t able to flirt and connect to each other romantically. The earth is vastly overpopulated as is, so pragmatically speaking the shaming mechanism serves no purpose. Granting people the option not to engage in romantic relationships without it compromising their dignity and social standing isn’t just the ethical thing to do – it will also help curb violence and the health problems associated with intense stress brought on by not being able to date

  • Hey, helpful article, but it’s waist-hip ratio, like in the quote, not hip-to-waist ratio. I guess you don’t know what a ratio is, but the order matters. The number would be above 1 if it was a hip-to-waist ratio (assuming hips are bigger than waists).

  • So many people giving dating advice seem to think getting a yes is a real possibility for every guy – and that rejection isn’t all that likely. They say things like “not every woman will like you…” “everyone gets rejected sometimes…” and “even if she rejects you…” They also say that women want to be asked out.

    The fact – which I don’t really see acknowledged anywhere – is that although some guys get a yes from almost every woman they ask out, some of us never get a date no matter what we do, no matter how much we spend on coaching, etc., Some of us are just unable to attract any women on a sexual level. We may have lots of women friends, but there is *never* the tiniest chance that any woman could see us as a sexual person. And if we try to act like one, we are seen as creeps because we are just – for whatever reason – not ‘supposed’ to be sexual people… irrespective of what we want, or how hard we try to “practice, practice, practice…” we are not. And cannot be.

  • For me, it’s got nothing to do with putting women on a pedestal – I treat women as people and have no problem talking to them. As such, I have many women friends. In my case, I see other guys and know that I can’t compete with them in being sexually attractive to women is concerned. Whatever other guys have that makes women want them sexually I do not have, so I see zero point in trying. My women friends tell me this is just my lack of confidence and that lots of women are interested in me – I just need to actually express interest in the ladies I like. I see no evidence to support the idea that any woman is interested in me though, and don’t believe that any woman could be attracted to me.

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