Self consciousness is that awkward icky feeling that other people are watching, judging and analyzing your every little movement or word.

I used to feel self conscious all the time in public–even just walking past somebody in a park or buying some food at the store! I always felt like other people were critically judging me.

In this video I show why one of the cures for self consciousness is actually…to become MORE self conscious! (Or more accurately self-focused: focused on what you are doing.)

See, most shy and socially anxious people are too easily distracted trying to pay attention to what every random person might be thinking of them. This makes you focus too much on other people when you are walking down the street, shopping or trying to talk to someone in a crowded place. As a result you feel awkward and you freeze up trying to talk to someone in public when other people might overhear the conversation.

The solution is to redirect your focus. Allow yourself to ignore all those background characters in your life.Focus more totally on whatever you are doing. (Just like in a movie only the main characters are in focus, the unimportant background characters are blurred out.)

To really understand this technique, which I call “Tunnel Vision” you need to watch the video above now.

And practice this in your daily life to feel less self conscious in public.

(NOTE: There is also a different type of self consciousness where you feel insecure about some part of your appearance, body or clothing. I did not talk about this type now — maybe I will in a different future update!)

The post The Cure For Self Consciousness (weird technique) appeared first on Sean Cooper.

Talking to people was more difficult. Focusing was more difficult. Even going to sleep probably felt a lot more difficult.

Well, that’s very similar to the experience of having social anxiety. It’s like walking around sick, being unable to do things “normal” people can do easily and naturally.

For example, how about the fear of talking on the phone? Back when I had really bad social anxiety, picking up the phone would make me absolutely terrified.

If I had to make a phone call, then I would procrastinate it until the very last minute.

In my head, I would repeat and rehearse what I was going to say.

My heart would start beating faster and faster as I imagined dialing the number.

I would sweat nervously… Think about that! Sweating nervously…in my own house…just thinking of making a phone call!

What a way to live.

And when I finally forced myself to make the call (basically when I had no other choice), then I would inevitably sound incredibly awkward talking on the phone. My words wouldn’t come out of my mouth clearly. My voice was so much different in a bad way. And I sounded nervous as hell.

By the end, I was relieved to get it over with and hang up.

Hanging up. That’s the only good part, isn’t it?

You get to end your misery with a click and finally stop the torture. And you’re sure the other person is relieved they can also stop talking to this awkward, nervous weirdo too.

Social Anxiety: A Fading Nightmare

To be honest, it’s a little hard for me to remember that experience.

It’s a little hard for me to remember that hearing the phone ring used to cause instant anxiety for me, like hearing a fire alarm go off inside your pocket. I would freeze, look at my phone in terror, and be unsure what to do about it.

But it’s been a few years now since I basically cured my social anxiety. And those memories of how difficult normal things used to be really are starting to fade.

Now I pick up the phone like it’s nothing. Whether I’m calling a friend, a coworker or a company to resolve some problem…I just do it. And it’s almost unusual to think this could have ever been so difficult for me.

So I’ve been thinking lately:

WHY Do Socially Anxious People Have A Fear Of Talking On The Phone?

Why does this simple task cause you so much stress, misery and suffering? Why does it even often feel much harder than talking to the same person in real life?

Well, here’s my best answer:

Talking on the phone makes you hyper-aware of every little part of what you say and how you say it (your voice).

When you are talking on the phone, there is no place for you to focus on except for… yourself. Your attention is tightly focused on yourself…and you know the other person is also closely listening to what you’re saying.

Think of self consciousness like a mirror. And when you are talking to someone on the phone, there’s nowhere to look but right into that mirror. So you become very very aware of every little part of your behavior, and what the other person might think about it.

This increased self consciousness multiplies the self critical voice inside your head that points out how nervous you sound, how you shouldn’t have said that, how you’re making a bad impression, and so on.

So a fear of talking on the phone is really a fear of the increased scrutiny (critical observation) you will face. Not just from the other person, but also from yourself.

That’s why it feels so uncomfortable and difficult for someone like you who has social anxiety or more severe shyness.

The Fix? Overcome The Deeper Issues

There are some articles online that talk about “tips for talking on the phone.” These tips are usually pretty basic, superficial, and unhelpful to someone who has social anxiety. They’ll tell you to do things like “fake it ’til you make it” without addressing your deeper issues.

The real fix is to overcome your social anxiety itself. And you can’t do this through facing your fears using exposure alone. You need to unwire the anxiety and fear response in your brain…and then you will be able to talk on the phone easily.

The best first step for you is to click on the box at the bottom of this article and enter your email. You will then receive my best free articles and video tips right to your email as part of my shyness and social anxiety newsletter. These tips will help you feel less shy, nervous and awkward around people and become better at knowing what to say in conversations.

If you already receive my emails, then click here to learn about my system for eliminating social anxiety.

And who knows? Maybe one day this fear of talking on the phone will also feel like a fading nightmare to you too.

The post Are You Afraid Of Talking On The Phone? appeared first on Sean Cooper.

Maybe you said something a bit awkward. Maybe your voice sounded a little weird. Maybe someone gave you a small rejection — like avoiding talking to you.

And now your mind is torturing you. It can’t let that moment go. You dwell on that mistake obsessively. Thinking about what you could have or should have done differently. Over and over again on repeat.

You just can’t stop this for some reason. It’s like watching the most uncomfortable movie in the world repeatedly. And the worst part is: YOU are the star of this terrible movie!

Ouch! What a miserable way to live.

Take a second look at this photo at the top of the page:

That’s a photo I took just a few minutes ago. It’s me holding the backpack I’m using to travel in India (and later other countries) for at least several months.

Yes, that small backpack is it. That’s everything I own right now. I have no other baggage.

Why am I mentioning my backpack?

Because I believe that light baggage gives you freedom. Not just in travel but in life.

Many people carry around a huge amount of old mental baggage through life. You carry around your past hurts, failures, shameful embarrassments and minor screw-ups.

And this gigantic baggage in your mind makes you feel depressed and low self esteem. It stops you from expressing yourself authentically right now to other people. It shuts you down with fear that you may shame or embarrass yourself again.

That’s why in this article I’m going to show you how to STOP these negative memories from dominating your head. How to ESCAPE from the torture of your mind replaying the same thing again and again. How to DROP the mental baggage. (Or at least carry a smaller backpack.)

The first step is to understand the problem…

1. Understand WHY You Keep Replaying These Moments In Your Head

Most of us believe that WE are the ones in control of our minds. You believe that you control what you think about and how you feel. That’s not really true.

Here’s an insight that will blow you away if you really understand it:

Your mind is NOT a modern invention.

Your mind has been designed over millions of years of evolution to help you do 2 primary things: survive and reproduce. Your mind exists to improve your chances of either surviving or having babies so you can pass on your genes to future generations.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paleoneurology

Here’s why this is important…

Many negative emotions like fear, anxiety, anger and jealousy come from these 2 big unconscious drives: Survival and reproduction.

• When you feel afraid when a big dog suddenly barks at you, that fear is meant to help you fight the predator or run away to safety. Survival.
• When you feel jealous about your romantic partner spending lots of time with someone else, that jealousy is meant to help you improve your chances of reproducing.
• When you feel anxious about walking down a dark empty street alone, that anxiety is meant to help you remain alert for any strange dangers in a new environment.

Now, it’s easy to see how an emotion like fear is related to survival. It’s a little harder to understand why your mind’s habit of replaying embarrassing or awkward moments is related to survival. But it is.

The key here is SOCIAL REPUTATION.

Back when humans lived in tribes on the African savannah, the most effective strategy for survival was to avoid getting kicked out of the tribe. One caveman would not survive on his own in that harsh wilderness. This meant keeping a good social reputation. (Nowadays the tribe just means all the people you know: family, friends, coworkers, classmates, etc.)

And the most effective strategy for mating was to have a high social status in the tribe. This allowed a caveman to attract the best mates… and still works the same way today! (Have you ever noticed, for example, how the most popular guys back in your high school usually had the easiest time getting girlfriends? And how rockstars and celebrities are always considered the sexiest people? That is social status at work.)

And that’s why your mind has been designed to be obsessed with your social reputation. So when you say or do something that DAMAGES your reputation or status, your mind goes nuts.

• When you say something that accidentally offends someone, especially someone important…
• When you create an awkward moment that “ruins your chance” with the girl or guy you like…
• When you feel very uncomfortable about sitting alone while you eat, scared about who might see you alone and judge you…

In all these situations, your mind believes you have damaged your social reputation or social status somehow. So it remembers the situation over and over again because it does not want you to repeat the same mistake again. It wants you to become better at preserving and enhancing your social status.

(The irony of this is that the MORE you obsess over your past mistakes, the LESS confident and LESS socially skilled you will be in future social situations. It erodes your self esteem and belief in your own abilities.)

Makes sense?

Now that you understand the true cause of your problem better… how can you fix it?

Here is what DOES work:

2. Escape Your Thinking Mind Altogether

A few weeks ago I was listening to an interview of a great writer I admire. Someone asked him: “How can I get over a romantic breakup? I keep obsessing over my ex-girlfriend.” And the writer’s advice was profound. He said:

“The best thing I know of is get out of your house and exercise. Go for a run or go to the gym. You need to get out of your mind and into your body.”

The last part is most important:

Get out of your mind and into your body. This is amazing advice right here.

I believe that exercise is a good TEMPORARY way to “get out of your mind.” It quickly puts you in touch with your physical body. When you are running or lifting weights with a lot of focus and intensity, it does take you out of your mind. Out of all your mental problems, worries and stresses. That’s a big reason why some people love fitness or sports so much.

The only problem is that you can’t exercise all the time. So a better solution is to use techniques you can do anywhere and anytime that will get you “out of your head.” The good news is that we don’t have to invent anything new because…

This is already the basis for many therapy and meditation techniques.

For example…

1. Gestalt Therapy

This is a very unique form of therapy. Here’s why:

“Most therapies encourage intellectualizing: talking about the irrationality of patient beliefs, talking about the behavior changes the therapist believes that the patient should make, and so forth.

More than any other therapy, Gestalt therapy emphasizes that whatever exists is here and now, and that experience is more reliable than interpretation. The patient is taught the difference between talking about what occurred five minutes ago (or last night or 20 years ago) and experiencing what is now.”

– Gary Yontef, Ph.D.

Some of the therapists at the Gestalt Therapy Center in New York.

Gestalt therapy is all about giving LESS attention to your symbolic thinking: your mental interpretations and your explanations for the past… and MORE attention to what is being felt or perceived right now.

The focus is on what is being done, thought and felt at this moment rather than on what was, might be, could be, or should be.

Another example…

2. Vipassana Meditation

About one year ago, I went to a 10 day silent meditation retreat which taught me the technique of Vipassana meditation. For 10 days, I couldn’t talk to anybody or even look at anybody in the eyes. No communication allowed. No cell phones or computers allowed. No books allowed. Just hours and hours of meditation practice every day. Day after day. From 6AM until night, with breaks for eating light vegetarian food.

So I do have a little experience with this…

A group of people doing vipassana meditation. Photo Credit.

Vipassana meditation has nothing to do with belief in the Buddha or some god. It is just a technique to observe yourself.

On that 10 day retreat, I started out observing my breath. Watching it going in, going out. Hour after hour. Then we were taught to scan our bodies from head to toe. This means literally “scanning” your attention throughout your body, and noticing what sensations you feel everywhere.

Very simple techniques.

But very effective at getting you in touch with your living and breathing body/organism… instead of living in the abstract world of your mind which includes your social reputation/identity.

(I hope what I’m saying is clear to you, but you really have to actually DO the technique yourself to truly understand why it is so powerful and why it has survived thousands of years.)

Both Gestalt Therapy and Vipassana Meditation are two different methods of…

3. Getting Into The Present Moment

The best thing you can do to stop obsessing about past mistakes or embarrassing moments is redirect your focus/attention. Where and how do you redirect it?

You take a moment to notice something happening in the physical world right here and now.

• For example, right now feel your fingers on your keyboard. Pay attention to that sensation at your fingertips for a few seconds.
• Or you can pay attention to your breath going in and out. You don’t need to suddenly breathe differently, just become aware right now to how you breathe normally.
• Or if you’re walking somewhere, pay attention to your movements. Can you make every movement of your arms or legs conscious instead of automatic?
• Or redirect your focus to the sensations on the bottom of your feet. What can you feel? (This is a good one you can use in any social situation. You can even do this while talking to people.)

By redirecting your focus in any of these simple ways, you become more in touch with your physical existence. You become aware of what you are sensing and feeling right now. Redirecting your focus to physical sensations and feelings brings you into the present moment, instead of uncontrollably remembering the past.

The past is the past. You cannot change something that’s already happened. You can only control your state of mind right now. And instead of being constantly terrorized by memories that make you feel bad or ashamed of yourself right now… you can redirect your focus into the physical world and reality.

Think about it: Will your awkward mistake matter 5 years from today? Then why should it now?

This is just a VERY quick overview of these types of techniques. I highly encourage you to check out the book “The Power of Now” if you want to learn how to really make these techniques a part of your daily life. There is also a section in my Shyness and Social Anxiety System, which will show you the 2 BEST techniques to get out of your mind in this way.

“If a person’s social identity is undermined, he always has his organism to fall back on. In fact, this is the basis for all psychotherapeutic change. Often, under severe stress, an individual saves his sanity by learning to fall back on his body, rely on it […] and stops interference of his mind–the fears, obsessions, and phobias.” -Ernest Becker, Pulitzer Prize Winner

The post How To Stop Thinking About Past Mistakes & Awkward Moments appeared first on Sean Cooper.

Maybe right now you’re thinking of speaking to someone you’re attracted to. Maybe you even have a date planned. But you just want to make sure you don’t run out of good things to talk about.

That would be embarrassingly awkward, wouldn’t it?

Imagine both of you sitting near each other. There is a sudden pause in the conversation, and you know that you should say something now, but your brain seems to have stopped working. All you can think of is some boring question or stupid comment, but nothing interesting or good enough to actually say out loud.

You feel an awkward silence slowly descending like a dark cloud, and you start to panic inside. You feel like you’ve become a total idiot because your mind has become totally blank. It’s like you’ve lost your whole personality. You can barely even remember your own name at this point, let alone an appropriate thing to talk about.

You’re not alone if you’ve been in this situation before. I certainly have, many times. And I can understand that you want to prevent this from happening to you again, especially if you’re talking to a person who you like.

Well, good news! I’ve put together this cheat sheet of 50 interesting conversation topics you can use at any time to rekindle the conversation, even if you feel it start to go downhill. You can go over this list before a first date or a party, whenever you need to have a few good things to talk about in mind (just in case).

And don’t worry, almost all of the topics I suggest are “normal.” This means you won’t hear me tell you to say lines which a normal person would never talk about in real life.

For example, many of the “conversation tips” articles you’ll find on the internet are embarrassingly cringe-worthy. They often give you silly suggestions like: “If you made a TV show about your life, what would you name it?” Who really says something like that? I know I wouldn’t.

So without further introduction, here is the list of topics that you can refer back to anytime. You’ll notice most of them are fairly straightforward and “ordinary.” That’s because you don’t need to be talking about aliens and obscure philosophy in most conversations. (Unless you want to!) Often simple and obvious topics are enough to kick-start your brain again.

I’ve also put them into groups to make it easier for you:

Hobbies

If you find out what a person’s hobbies are, you instantly know a lot more about them. Hobbies are things people do without being paid to, just because they enjoy them. Some examples are: yoga, photography, working out, meditation, shopping, etc.

The best question I’ve found for finding out someone’s hobbies is:

1. What do you do in your free time? Simple and effective. This also has the benefit of being an open ended question. If this doesn’t get you a great reply you can ask more specific questions like…
2. Do you play any musical instruments?
3. Do you draw, paint or do art?
4. Do you like dancing?
5. Talk about technology, gadgets, cars. (Best if you’re a guy talking to another guy. Yes this is a shameless stereotype, but I’ve yet to meet a girl who enjoys talking about computer specs with me — though I’m sure they exist!)

Work/School

Some people say you shouldn’t talk about work. I think that’s ridiculous. When you stop and listen to what people usually talk about, work and school are at the top of the list.

After all, people do spend several hours a day at these places. And their work or school are often related to an area they’re very passionate about. Their coworkers are also some of the people they spend the most time interacting with.

However, be warned: for some people these topics can be boring. Older people may be sick of talking about their work, and other people may only be doing a boring job for the money, like a student cashier or construction worker.

6. What do you do/study? (Yes, the simplest and most common way to start a conversation.)
7. What is your most (or least) favorite subject in school?
8. How do you get along with the people you work with? (People love talking about their relationship and frustrations with other people. Yes, it’s gossip, but you also learn a lot about how the person works this way.)
9. Do you love working there or are you doing it for the money? (This can be a playful question on a date, not a good idea at a networking event.)
10. What is your dream job? Another way to ask this: If money didn’t matter, what would you do with your time?

Travel

Many of the most memorable experiences in people’s lives came from traveling. When you’re in an unfamiliar place, in the middle of a new and strange culture… that’s gonna make a big impact on you.

And even if someone hasn’t traveled a lot yet, they usually have dreams of traveling in the future. Either on vacations or later in retirement.

11. What countries have you traveled to? (If you two have visited the same country, you may be able to talk about those shared experiences for hours.)
12. What was your biggest experience of “culture shock” in another country?
13. Where in the world would you love to live most? Why?
14. How does your home country compare to here? (If they were born/raised in a different country.)
15. What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you while traveling? (Be careful with this one, although you will get some interesting responses. I’ve heard people getting robbed by taxi drivers, getting scammed for a few bucks, etc.)
16. Have you ever traveled by yourself? (Or you can ask would they?)
17. Do you speak any other languages?

Like this article?
Then you may also enjoy my complete course on
improving your conversation and social skills.
You can check it out here:

Entertainment

Walk around in public, and you will always hear people talking about movies, TV shows and books. For some reason, people love talking about stories and the characters inside them they feel like they know. There’s always new ones coming out, so the topic never really gets stale.

18. What’s your favorite movie (or TV show) ever?
19. Which movie/book/show are you ashamed to admit you love? (Lots of people read books like Twilight or watch reality TV as a guilty pleasure.)
20. Which movie are you most looking forward to being released?
21. What kind of books do you usually read? What was the last one you read? (This question is great if you’re on a date and trying to find an intelligent person!)
22. What kind of music are you into right now? (A study found talking about music preferences leads to a quicker connection because music reveals your values to others!)
23. What concerts have you been to? (If someone spends the money and time to go see an artist live, it means they like them a lot.)
24. What movies have you watched more than once? Or what books have you read multiple times? (I’ve watched the Breaking Bad TV show 3 times already because it’s my favorite.)
25. Do you play video games? (When someone is REALLY into video games, it’s a large part of their daily life.)

Food/Cooking

This is a light and fun topic. Everybody eats, and most people enjoy talking about their personal taste in food. If this is your first conversation with someone, then don’t try to figure out the meaning of life. Find out what type of food you should try!

26. Talk about a recent restaurant you or they went to. How was it different than others, why was it good, why was it bad?
27. What type of cooking do they do at home? Do they dislike it or find it relaxing?
28. Do they usually cook food from a specific culture? (For example, maybe their parents are from Vietnam and that’s 90% of the food they eat.)
29. Do they follow any specific diet? Like vegan or paleo for example. This can tell you A LOT about their personal values. (Don’t ask this to a fat person, they will probably get offended if they are sensitive about their weight.)

Past Experiences

The challenge with talking about past experiences, is that you usually don’t want to get too personal too quickly. If you do, the conversation may start to sound like a therapy session.

On a romantic date some of these questions may be appropriate. In other situations you’ll want past stories to come up more spontaneously, as they relate to whatever topic is being talked about. For example, if the topic of some new music trend comes up, you can mention what type of music you were into as a kid.

30. Where did you grow up?
31. What were you like as a kid? (Behaved, rebellious, quiet, attention-seeking, etc.)
32. What did you want to be when you grew up? (You can also turn this into a funny question by asking them “What do you want to be when you grow up?”… even if they’re an adult.)
33. What were your past jobs like?
34. Do you have any siblings?
35. Find out if you two shared any common interests as kids. (Maybe you were both interested in Pokemon, Harry Potter, etc. This can be an amazing way to build a lot of rapport quickly.)

Present Observations

This one is something most people miss… Back when I had a hard time carrying conversations, I’d often desperately try to think of new random topics to talk about out out of thin air. I would search my brain for something cool to say… like a magician pulling a rabbit out of his hat. As you can guess, this didn’t work that well.

What I’ve now realized is that making small observations about your environment is a great way to restart any conversation. Instead of racking the inside of your brain searching for something to say… instead try looking around you and pointing something out in the environment. This will often naturally lead to other things you two can discuss.

36. If this is your first time meeting… Why are you both here now? If it’s an art gallery or a business networking event… that is the best topic to start the conversation with.
37. Make a comment about something they’re wearing. Maybe it’s an interesting piece of jewellery or a compliment about their shirt.
38. What other people are nearby? (Talk about what they’re doing, guess what their personality is like, maybe even make up a funny conspiracy story.)
39. Is there anything new, unusual or different about your environment?
40. Put more attention into your physical senses… Is there music playing? Some smell that you didn’t notice before? Are you eating something? What can you feel touching your skin?

Future Plans

People love talking about what they are looking forward to. The challenge here is not to sound like a job interviewer with something like “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

41. What are you doing this weekend? (Very common conversation topic. This is a great way to start a conversation with someone you already know.)
42. What local events are you looking forward to? (This could be a festival, holiday, concert, protest, or anything.)
43. Would you prefer to live in the city or on a farm?
44. What’s your main goal right now? What are you trying to accomplish?

Human Relationships

Almost nothing is more fascinating to most people than talking about how people work. Why? Because much of the meaning in our lives come from our connections. And to get what you want in life, you have to know how to handle people.

45. Talk about men or women. I’ve seen guys connect very quickly talking about women, what they do, and how they operate. And I’ve heard this is even more true when women talk to each other about men.
46. Ask them what their friends are like? Are they very similar to each other, or opposites?
47. Have they had with the same friends most of their life, or made a lot of new ones?
48. Ask about their family. Who did they live with? Were they strict, or easy going?
49. Talk about some interesting idea you know from psychology. If you read a lot of psychology books like I do, this is easy. You can tie it into a story they just said.
50. What do you believe is true that most people would disagree with you on? (This is a bit of an unusual deeper question, but I’ll put it in here since it’s really powerful. In fact, one of the most influential investors in the world says this his top interview question.)

Conclusion

Whew! That’s a lot of topic suggestions!

I hope you’ve picked up at least a few that can help you in your next conversation. One last point in conclusion…

Take these conversation topics and tips with you… and best of luck!

Like this article?
Then you may also enjoy my complete course on
improving your conversation and social skills.
You can check it out here:

The post 50 Interesting Conversation Topics To Talk About With Anyone appeared first on Sean Cooper.

Growing up, I didn’t know what the words “social anxiety disorder” meant. It wasn’t until many years later I’d find out I had it.

• It was why I couldn’t make or hold eye contact with most people.
• It was why I felt constantly tense and worn out if I wasn’t alone by myself.
• It was why my voice was so quiet, shaky and insecure.
• It was what made me so nervous, awkward and withdrawn around people.
• …To the point that I couldn’t even hold a regular conversation or have friends like a “normal” person.

Social anxiety stole over 20 years of my life away.

Years of nervous sweat dripping down my armpits every time I spoke up in class. Years of weirdly avoiding people every day and staying in every weekend night. Not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid. Years of believing that I would never get a girlfriend and spend my life alone and unwanted.

This page is written for people who want to cure their severe social anxiety, like I did. 

If you feel like your social anxiety has sent you into a downward spiral of self shame, depression and loneliness…

If you feel bitter and even angry sometimes when you see how most people in the world are born knowing how to easily socialize, make friends and get a relationship…

If you feel like the best years of your life are slipping through your fingers day by day, year by year…

Then I feel for you. I really do.

And I can tell you that finding this website is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you. So bookmark this page and come back to it often, because I’m going to show you new insights into the known cures for social anxiety that you won’t find anywhere else.

The Definition Reality of Social Anxiety Disorder

Occasionally someone will ask me what it’s like to have social anxiety. Well, here’s how the psychology professors describe it:

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. You could say social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being negatively judged and evaluated by other people.  It is a pervasive disorder and causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person’s life.  It is chronic because it does not go away on its own. (socialphobia.org)

You know the problem with this definition? It doesn’t capture the REALITY of how bad having social anxiety really is. I still remember my darkest days vividly, here’s just one small example…

Imagine this…

You’re taking an innocent walk in the park. It’s a beautiful day. You’re really enjoying yourself. The grass is green, the birds are singing and life feels great.

Suddenly, you see some people walking towards you in the distance. Your heart skips a beat. You start to freak out inside. You try to figure out if it’s someone you know. Immediately you want to turn around and avoid these people, but they’ve already seen you. It would look weird.

So you keep walking towards them.

It’s a couple of cute girls and they’re getting closer.

At this point I’d be thinking something like “SH*T SH*T SH*T SH*T!”

Your heart starts racing, your stomach is turning over, and you feel clumsy and awkward. You start to analyze every little thing you do, becoming paranoid about what the ‘right’ way to walk is, or where you should look as you walk by these people.

In an instant, your social anxiety has taken over the way you feel, the way you think, and the way you act. You went from being perfectly okay to completely terrified in an instant. After the girls pass, your heartbeat slowly returns to normal, you relax a bit and breathe a small sigh of relief.

At least… until the next person walks by.

That’s what it’s like to have social anxiety. Things that most people can do easily become enormously stressful, like buying a bag of chips at the store or just picking up the phone. In the end, you often avoid any unnecessary social contact because it just makes you feel so terrible.

I struggled with very bad social anxiety. I found out how to overcome it by myself, and now have spent the better part of the past 5 years guiding other social anxiety sufferers. My goal is to help 25,000 people cure their social anxiety permanently.

In this article I’m going to give an overview of the different common treatment options available for you, and which ones are the best in my opinion.

1. Pharmaceutical Medication

The first social anxiety treatment option that comes to mind for most people is medication. Many people, even experts, usually have strong black-and-white opinions about medication. This means people fall into 2 basic categories:

1. Either they believe medication is the ONLY way to cure social anxiety disorder, because the issue must be either genetic or a “chemical imbalance.”
2. Or they believe medication is evil, only created by Big Pharma to get people hooked, and it should be avoided at all costs.

I believe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Medication can help some people who have severe social anxiety get started on their way to getting better because it often relieves the symptoms of anxiety. However, the medications will basically never cure social anxiety on their own, like pop culture often believes.

Pharmaceutical drugs, although helpful for many people, are far less of an exact science than most people might expect.

The reality of someone taking medication for social anxiety looks more like this…

You’ll first have to try out a few types of medications to find the drug and dosage that works for you. The medication will usually lessen the anxiety you feel, but it will not make the underlying cause of your social anxiety go away. And a good doctor will have the long term goal of lowering your dosage and eventually getting you off the medication, by treating your problem with some type of therapy and/or exposure.

If you look on social anxiety forums, you find some people who had their quality of life dramatically improved by pharmaceutical medications. However, they don’t work for everyone. Other people cannot find a drug that works for them or one that works without side effects that outweigh the small improvements.

This being the reality, I decided to beat my social anxiety without using any medications. What you choose to do is up to you.

Side Note: Be Careful Using The Word “Cure”

It’s human nature to want quick fixes, instant relief, a simple and sure solution to your problem. But when it comes to social anxiety, one single cure that works perfectly for everyone simply doesn’t exist.

Pharmaceutical medications are often perceived as a magic bullet that will “fix” whatever chemical imbalance is causing your problem… but that’s simply not how it works. The human body and mind are a very complex system with millions of moving parts.

This is why almost all drugs have so many side effects… you can’t ONLY change the balance of one chemical in your body without affecting 100 different things at the same time.

This is why scientists are often confused and bewildered when studying social anxiety.

For example, the main drugs used to treat social anxiety now are SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). These drugs supposedly work by increasing the levels of serotonin in your brain. The theory was that people who suffer from social anxiety disorder have a low “chemical balance” of serotonin, an important neurotransmitter.

Yet a recent study has found that the opposite is true! People who have social anxiety actually produce too much serotonin in the fear part of the brain, the amygdala. This means that all the drugs people have been taking SHOULD have made them feel more anxious, instead of less!

Now here’s the most confusing part of the whole thing: the SSRI drugs did actually help!… Scientists just have no idea why anymore. (Part of it could be the placebo effect.)

So here’s the lesson from this…

Don’t look for one “magic bullet” to cure your social anxiety. The most effective strategy is to find several regular lead bullets to shoot at your problem. This means you need to TRY OUT for yourself the different strategies I’m talking about in this article, and see which ones work best for you.

Most people I work with who overcome their social anxiety usually find relief using a combination of different strategies. It’s never just one thing that made them feel 100% better, it’s more like 5 things that each made them feel 20-30% better. That’s why my system for overcoming social anxiety is basically a combination of the best techniques from many different areas of psychology I’ve studied. I believe attacking the problem from several different angles is most effective.

2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

This is the most well-known non-drug treatment option for social anxiety. Right now it’s the “standard approach” for most anxiety and depression disorders. If you go to a therapist, they will probably use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT for short).

When most people think of “therapy,” they probably imagine laying back on a couch and sharing details about their childhood. CBT is usually much different from that type of therapy. It’s less about digging into your past, and more about trying to change how you think and act directly.

CBT is actually a combination of 2 different treatments:

1. Cognitive restructuring. This is a scientific way of saying “changing how you think”. Most therapists will have you write down your thoughts in a journal, then compare your thinking to common cognitive distortions to see where you are being too negative or irrational. Sometimes you analyze your thoughts more deeply, to see how they come from core beliefs or assumptions you have.
2. Exposure therapy. This is the “behavioral” part, and it means doing the things that you fear. You start with small steps and work your way towards facing harder and more high pressure situations. (CBT also usually includes learning relaxation techniques like deep breathing or guided imagery.)

I’ve read most of the top CBT books for social anxiety. And in fact, many parts of my approach to overcoming social anxiety are inspired by CBT.

So does it work?

In general, cognitive behavioral therapy does help people with social anxiety disorder. Many people have even been permanently cured with dedicated and patient practice of CBT. But there are a few big drawbacks to CBT that almost no therapist knows (or will tell you) that I think you should be aware of…

3. Mindfulness Meditation

Things like meditation or yoga used to be perceived as alternative religions. Now they’ve become popular in North America as cool hobbies. It seems like most of the girls at any university have tried yoga, and meditation is becoming more common too. I recently went to a 10 day meditation retreat near my city that had about 100 people participating.

Yet this is not just a trendy hobby. Many scientific studies have now been done on mindfulness meditation, and it’s been proven to help people with problems like anxiety and depression:

“Group mindfulness treatment is as effective as individual cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) in patients with depression and anxiety, according to a new study from Lund University in Sweden and Region Skåne.”

– Jan Sundquist, Lund University, Sweden

In fact, some of the latest types of therapy are based on mindfulness techniques first practiced thousands of years ago. For example, Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy.

These new mindfulness-based therapies “may be as effective in treating anxiety disorders, depression, addiction, and somatic health problems as established psychological interventions [like CBT],” according to some studies.

What Is Mindfulness Meditation?

Well, mindfulness is one type of meditation. There are many other types of meditation, but mindfulness is the one that’s most commonly used to help people with anxiety, depression, stress and other problems.

Many people think meditation is about closing your eyes and shutting yourself off from the world, usually in some weird posture. Mindfulness meditation is not like this at all. If anything it’s the exact opposite! Mindfulness is more about opening yourself up to the world, and paying closer attention to what is happening, both inside and outside of you.

In a nutshell, mindfulness is about paying attention to what is happening without judging or reacting to what you observe. For example, if you feel your heart beating faster from anxiety or you have some negative thoughts running through your head… then you simply pay attention without even wishing for these unpleasant sensations to go away.

The point of this practice is to help you get distance from yourself. It allows you to step back for a few moments from the chaos of your own mind and observe it from a more neutral point of view. As if you were looking inside the head of someone else.

The Best Type Of Meditation For Social Anxiety

Meditation will help you the most if don’t just do it sitting alone in your room. You should take the techniques and use them in the real world as you are living life.

For example, many people who have social anxiety tend to daydream, think a lot and live inside their heads. Your attention is trapped inside your mind, constantly imagining something embarrassing happening to you in the future, or remembering a humiliating past event… and you are rarely living in the here-and-now. Here is how a great meditation teacher called Sadhguru explains it:

By practicing mindfulness in your daily life, you’ll find yourself living more in the present moment, instead of being stuck in your memory or imagination. This was one of the biggest shifts that allowed me to cure my social anxiety, and it’s why I dedicate a whole chapter of my course for overcoming social anxiety to a couple of very powerful mindfulness techniques.

“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose” – Eckhart Tolle

“Meditation Doesn’t Work For Me”

Some people sit down to try meditation, and after trying a technique a few times inconsistently, they conclude that “my mind is just too active” and “it doesn’t help me.”

To get benefits from meditation, you have to make a habit of doing it every day for the long term. I find the easiest way to accomplish this is to make sure you do it right after you wake up. I do it every single day for 10-20 minutes no matter what. I do it the first thing in the morning so that I don’t forget. The change is gradual, but give it a few weeks or months and you’ll probably experience a huge difference.

4. Nutrition

One of the too-quickly overlooked approaches to decreasing social anxiety is making positive changes to your lifestyle. Your brain exists inside of your body, which means it is highly influenced by what you put in it and how you treat your physical health.

This section could be an article on its own, or maybe a whole book. There’s so much to learn and study when it comes to the effect food has on your mood.

Here’s a few quick bullet points:

• Eat unprocessed whole foods. Processed foods usually have a lot of unhealthy things added in, like sugar, salt, preservatives and bad types of fat/oil. This is why you should be careful buying so-called “healthy foods” that come in boxes, cans or bottles. If it’s a whole piece of food – like an apple, carrot or piece of steak – then it’s much more likely to be good for you.
• Lower the refined carbs and sugar. To understand why, read the book “Grain Brain. The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar–Your Brain’s Silent Killers.” I try to eat a diet that resembles paleo, which is mainly meat, fish, eggs, lots of vegetables, nuts, some fruits, etc. I rarely eat carbs like bread, pasta, rice, noodles, pastries, potatoes, etc… whereas a lot of people make carbs the center of every meal!
• Eat more veggies (that are not potatoes or corn!). Cruciferous vegetables like broccoli, kale and brussels sprouts are exceptionally good for you. Right now I drink a smoothie with kale, blueberries and protein powder almost every day.
• Eat the good types of fat. Contrary to what health “experts” have said the past 10 years, low fat doesn’t mean healthy. Your brain needs fat to function well. Not the fat you find in a McDonald’s burger… but fat rich in omega 3 found in wild salmon, sardines, herring, anchovies, and mackerel. Other good types of fat are coconut oil (I almost always cook with this now), olive oil, avocados, grass-fed butter, and so on.
• Avoid so-called “healthy” vegetable oils like canola, soya and corn.
• Eat fermented foods. Fermented foods contain probiotics, a very good type of bacteria. A recent study found that the fermented foods you eat, the less anxious, worried or neurotic you probably are. What are some good fermented foods?
  • Sauerkraut, pickles and kimchi. (Although make sure it’s unpasteurized or “raw” because the process of pasteurization kills all the good bacteria due to the high heat.)
  • Dairy foods like yogurt and kefir also contain a lot of probiotics, just make sure the label says it “contains live and active cultures.”
  • Kombucha tea is another fermented drink that’s becoming more popular.
• I personally love coffee, and drink it almost every morning. However, most doctors recommend decreasing or eliminating coffee if you have anxiety, so you should experiment and see if cutting out caffeine helps you. (I actually often make Bulletproof coffee at home, where I blend in coconut oil, grass fed butter and some raw honey into my coffee. Sounds weird I know, but it’s delicious and good for your brain.)

5. Natural Supplements

Beyond your basic diet, which should be the foundation for your nutrition, you can take some supplements and vitamins to improve your mood and health. I’m definitely not an expert here, but I can share with you the general recommendations for anxiety.

If you want to keep it basic:

• Zinc, Magnesium, Vitamin D, Vitamin B6 and B12 can help improve your mood and make you feel relaxed. Low levels of these have been linked to depression.
• There are also herbs like Chamomile, Valerian Root, St. John’s Wort and Passionflower which are claimed to reduce anxiety, though there is little scientific evidence behind it. You can buy these as tea or capsules and see if they help you.
• Avoid the supplement Kava, it’s been shown to decrease anxiety but using it often can cause liver problems.

If you want to go advanced:

In the book The Mood Cure, Dr. Julia Ross explains the 4 main types of neurotransmitters, how you can tell if you have low levels of each one, and specific doses of natural supplements you can take to fix it.

Studies suggest that an imbalance of certain neurotransmitters (chemical messengers in the brain) may contribute to anxiety disorders. The neurotransmitters targeted in anxiety disorders are gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), serotonin, dopamine, and epinephrine. – University of Maryland Medical Center

Here’s a very quick summary:

• Serotonin – the most common neurotransmitter deficiency. This is a feel good chemical that makes us happy, outgoing and enthusiastic. Many pharmaceutical drugs (SSRIs for example) work by artificially increasing the serotonin levels in your brain… but you can achieve similar effects by consuming 5-HTP or L tryptophan. (These are serotonin precursors. When you eat these, they get converted to serotonin in your brain.)
• Catecholamines (norepinephrine) – This brain chemical helps us feel energized and focused. The natural supplement to increase it is L Tyrosine.
• GABA – This is a natural stress reliever, muscle relaxant, and helps you sleep. Benzodiazepines (medications such as valium and xanax) reduce anxiety through the way they interact with the GABA receptors. You can increase it by taking GABA.
• Endorphins – Another feel good chemical, it is raised through exercise, which I’ll talk about more in the next section…

6. Exercise & Sleep

These are two very important elements of your lifestyle. By lifestyle I mean your daily or weekly habits.

Exercise is proven to improve mental well being…

“Scientists have found that regular participation in aerobic exercise has been shown to decrease overall levels of tension, elevate and stabilize mood, improve sleep, and improve self-esteem. About five minutes of aerobic exercise can begin to stimulate anti-anxiety effects.” – Anxiety & Depression Association of America

When you exercise, endorphins are released in your brain. This is a natural painkiller which helps you feel great and relaxed. Exercise also increases GABA in your brain, which has been shows to decrease anxiety. And it decreases cortisol, a chemical in your body that comes from stress.

Finally, exercise is great for relieving physical and mental tension, and it makes it easier to go to sleep. (Anyone who has exercised hard before can tell you this is true.)

I personally do weightlifting much more than cardio. For me running every day would just be too boring. Instead I do a ~45 minute workout 3 times a week. Though I do walk almost everywhere daily because I live near the downtown of a city.

You need to find some form of exercise that you can make into a regular habit. It could be running, swimming or hiking outside. It could be lifting weights, kickboxing or another martial art. It could be soccer, basketball or another sport.

Now let’s talk about sleep…

Staying up late and getting too little sleep is something which I’ve been guilty of too often. This is bad because a lack of sleep can make you feel more nervous and on edge.

According to a study by UC Berkeley, being sleep deprived increases anticipatory anxiety a lot. This means you will feel a lot more anxious BEFORE a social situation if you don’t get enough sleep. “People who are anxious by nature are the same people who will suffer the greatest harm from sleep deprivation,” said Matthew Walker, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at UC Berkeley.

And that’s not to mention how much harder it is to talk to people when you are feeling low on energy, tired and unfocused.

Example of a woman doing EFT, also called “tapping.”

7. Energy Therapies That Heal Trauma

Okay, this one is controversial, but I’m going to include it here anyway because it’s really interesting.

Trauma is not just something that happens to people who go to war or get attacked in the street. Milder forms of trauma can happen to almost anybody in childhood. And many scientists have already studied the link between social anxiety and childhood trauma:

“Studies investigating childhood trauma in social anxiety suggest that parental emotional abuse towards the child (e.g., swearing, insulting, denigrating, and non-physical aggressing) and emotional neglect (e.g., emotional deprivation or the absence of feeling special, loved, or being part of a nurturing environment) may be important factors in the development of SAD.

For example, in a non-clinical sample, compared to women with low levels of social anxiety, women high in social anxiety reported significantly more paternal rejection, paternal and maternal neglect, and paternal authority-discipline.” (Klonsky, Dutton, & Liebel, 1990)

These types of early childhood experiences of abuse or neglect can cause someone to feel ashamed, insecure or deeply flawed as a person. I talk a lot about this in my social anxiety system and in my toxic shame video here. Trauma comes from disturbing memories int he past that create a “psychoenergetic block” inside you that affects your life and relationships with people today.

So how to deal with it? Well there’s 2 interesting approaches I can share:

1. EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing)

EMDR is a type of therapy where you focus on the traumatic memory while moving your eyes side to side. This eye movement is supposed to allow you to “reprocess” the past trauma.

In the world of psychotherapy EMDR is somewhat controversial because it doesn’t have the same scientific support other approaches do. It is very often used on people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Read the EMDR Wikipedia article for more info.

2. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)

Many people think this one is complete bullshit, and you probably will too if you see a video of someone doing EFT. Basically the technique involves tapping different parts of your head and body while repeating a phrase like: “Even though I feel anxious, I deeply love and accept myself.” The claim is that tapping on specific “meridian points” on your body can release energy blockages. They say the location of these points is based on acupuncture.

I’m very skeptical about EFT, too… especially since it is often sold as a cure for weight loss, smoking, and pretty much anything else. However, some very reputable experts like Dr. Mercola and even my colleague Dr. Aziz Gazipura of The Social Confidence Center recommend trying EFT out for yourself before making a judgement.

So who knows, maybe it can work for you.

8. Anything Else?

Now you have a VERY in depth overview of the most common (proven) ways people try to cure social anxiety. There is no single perfect method that works for everyone, but now you have more clarity and ideas about what next step you need to take on your journey.

Just before we finish here, I want to tell you one last thing:

It’s Not Your Fault!

The biggest reason so many people suffer with social anxiety for years and years is because of bad advice. Back when I had severe social anxiety, the only advice I heard was:

• “There’s nothing to be afraid of!”
• “It’s all in your head!”
• “Fake it ’til you make it!”

The problem is, advice for curing social anxiety is 99% garbage, usually given by people who have never struggled with this themselves. Your parents, friends or teachers simply don’t understand how hard it is. That’s why they may tell you that type of useless “motivational” advice.

Even the published books and articles on social anxiety usually suck. They’re often written by people with a lot of degrees who will tell you over-simplified tips like: “Focus more on other people” … “Stop thinking negative thoughts” … or maybe “Stand up straighter to be confident.”

That’s why I decided to make this website. I wanted to share the tips and techniques for curing social anxiety that I have proven to be effective in the real world. The difference is that I’m speaking from personal experience. I think that “shines through” in most of the articles I write here.

My goal is to help 25,000 people totally eliminate their social anxiety. Maybe one of those could be you. Here’s what you should do next…

Sign up to my email newsletter list on this website. (There should be a box below this article.) And over the next few days you’ll receive a short email course with my BEST tips on how to carry conversations easily, how to avoid awkward silences, how to stop feeling self conscious or insecure, and much more.

The post 7 Proven Ways To Cure Social Anxiety (No. 3 Is Best) appeared first on Sean Cooper.

That’s simply a fact.

Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced what life is like as guy who isn’t very confident.

I’m going to admit something a bit embarrassing and private to you…

I was a virgin who had never went on a date or even kissed a girl… past the age of 21. (Maybe in some conservative or religious countries this is normal, but in North America where I grew up it’s really late. Most teenagers here start dating at 16 and usually earlier.)

It wasn’t that I was weird or incredibly ugly. I was shy. I was “the quiet guy.” I didn’t talk to people much, at school or anywhere. And this caused me to stay lonely.

Sometimes I almost gave up hope that I could ever get a girlfriend. I just wanted to be wanted by someone. To have someone to share life with and feel connected to. Was that too much to ask?

This Is The Reality For Most Shy Or Quiet Guys…

If there was a girl I liked, then I would freeze up instead of talking to her. I wouldn’t know what to say and I’d feel super awkward around her. I would often imagine asking her out and being her boyfriend, but in reality I could never do it because I was too nervous.

As a result, nothing ever happened. Even if I got the sense some girl was interested in me, I was too scared to do anything… and didn’t know what to talk about with her anyway.

I’ve been running this website aimed at people who have shyness for a few years now, and this is a common email I receive from shy women:

“I’m a woman who has really bad shyness. Whenever I go with my boyfriend to parties I always have trouble talking to new people…”

Did you notice something? Her boyfriend is mentioned almost as an afterthought. Even though the women is very shy, she still has a boyfriend.

A girl who is shy or quiet still has a good possibility that a guy will find her attractive, talk to her and ask her out on a date. Because the guy is taking the initiative, leading and risking rejection, not her.

On the other hand, women will almost never do this. The female version of “initiative” is sending some subtle sign of interest that most guys miss anyway (like looking at the guy for 2 seconds and then expecting HIM to walk over and start a conversation).

And the worst part is that women often hide their interest altogether. They are terrified of seeming desperate so they often act hard-to-get even with guys they like, preferring to be “won over” by your effort.

This is probably why I’ve received emails from many shy guys who are virgins into their 30s and 40s. And pretty much NONE of the emails from shy guys mention a girlfriend. They always sound more like this:

“I’m a man who has really bad shyness. I always have trouble talking to people and, worst of all, this is also holding me back from having a girlfriend. I haven’t even been on a date in the past x years.”

“But Some Women Love Shy Guys”

Occasionally I will run across a woman writer in a blog or forum who claims that “We love shy guys!”

I find this hard to believe, since I spent most of my school years watching the cutest girls go out with the more confident, popular or charismatic guys. But I try to keep an open mind, and I think I now understand what women mean when they say “shy guy.”

Usually she first imagines a guy who she is already very attracted to, almost intimidated of. Then she imagines this guy showing a more sensitive side which balances out his hotness or high social status.

She imagines a guy who is well-liked and cool, and maybe also a bit quirky or artistic. The guy who may talk a bit less than other people, but he’s self assured on the inside and isn’t afraid to speak up when he wants to.

I’m sure she isn’t fantasizing about the guy who creates awkward silences in conversations with her. I can guarantee you she isn’t imagining dating a guy who has trouble looking her in the eyes. Or the guy she had to keep asking to “talk louder” because she can’t hear him over the music. Or the guy who was invisible in class or worse, bullied/excluded by the other kids.

Yet that’s who “the shy guys” reading this article really are, probably including you.

Frankly, It Doesn’t Matter If Girls Like Shy/Quiet Guys…

Because if you can’t go talk to her and ask her on a date… then it doesn’t make any difference IF a girl likes you. Either way, you’re still going to be alone because you’re too scared of rejection to make a move.

As a man, YOU are the one who is expected to initiate almost everything when it comes to dating. YOU will have to risk rejection every step of the way if you want to start dating and get a girlfriend.

• Everything from starting a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to…
• Being expected to keep it going in the beginning…
• Asking for her phone number…
• Planning and setting up the date…
• Trying to avoid the friend zone…
• Going for the kiss…
• Later leading everything to the bedroom…
• And so on…

Why is the world like this? Feminists might blame “society,” but I believe it has more to do with our biological programming. (I talk a bit about this in my article on how to get a girlfriend.)

Either way, this is the world you’re living in now. So what are you going to do about it?

Well, if you want to learn how to stop being so shy around girls, then enter your email in the box just below this article. And I’ll send you a lot of helpful tips (including short videos) that are specifically designed to help guys who are more shy, quiet and introverted.

These tips will help you become better at talking to girls, show you the right way to ask her for her number or on a date, and how to finally start dating and get a girlfriend…

The post Do Girls Like Shy & Quiet Guys? appeared first on Sean Cooper.

That guy used to be the quietest guy ever. The most shy person you’d ever meet.

I know… because those are photos of me.

• I used to be the guy who never talked around people I didn’t know well. I had a hard time keeping a conversation going or thinking of what to say.
• I was often really nervous and anxious. Especially talking on the phone or in front of groups of people. I DREADED public speaking.
• I  had never had a girlfriend before. In fact, I was still a virgin at 21 years old despite being a decent-looking guy.
• I didn’t have a solid group of friends. Sometimes I’d get so bored when I was lonely. I didn’t understand why people didn’t seem to like me all that much.
• I was also insecure about the way I looked. This DEFINITELY didn’t help my confidence.

If you can relate to what I’m saying so far, then I’ve got good news.

On this page I’ll share with you some little-known techniques and tips that will help you overcome your shyness. (Including a simple technique that will let you always know what to talk about in conversations.)

So if you want to stop being shy, then bookmark this page now because you won’t find most of this knowledge anywhere else. And you’ll want to come back here again and again.

Who Are You? And How Did You Overcome Your Shyness?

My name is Sean Cooper. Really quickly, here’s why you should listen to me:

Every month tens of thousands of people come to this website. They are mostly people like you who want to learn how to overcome their shyness or social anxiety. Some of the videos on my Youtube channel have gotten tens of thousands of views.

Why do so many shy people come to me? I think it’s because I speak from experience.

I’ve personally felt what it’s like to feel painfully awkward around someone you’re attracted to. Or to be unsure of what to say when you meet someone you don’t know well. Or to spend years repeatedly hearing people tell you: “Why are you so quiet?”

Because of this, I only focus on shyness advice that works. I know it works because I’ve tested it on myself and my clients in the real world. That’s why you’ll never hear me repeat the usual self help crappy advice that doesn’t help you like:

• “Just focus on other people!”
• “Pretend to be confident!”
• “Fake it ’til you make it!”

And now even recognized experts have praised my work helping people overcome shyness. For example, here’s part of a note that Dr. Aziz Gazipura (Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Founder of The Center For Social Confidence) sent me:

Thanks for your ongoing support in helping me reach more people. You are doing powerful work in the world that is greatly needed. Keep doing what you're doing and keep being you!

Dr. Aziz Gazipura

Clinical Psychologist, PhD from Stanford

 

But a few years ago, my life looked a hell of a lot different…

Growing Up, I Was Invisible

In fact, I tried to MAKE myself invisible. Never raising my hand in class, talking quietly, keeping to myself during lunch, not doing much outside the house, not making friends, and so on.

Sometimes I feel like I wasted those years in elementary and high school. Sure, I got good grades, but I missed out on making lifelong friends and creating fun memories with them.

After that I moved out of my parent’s house to go to university. I was going to a university in Ottawa (that’s the capital city of Canada).

Starting the year, I had high hopes. I thought that maybe in a new city I would be able to “start fresh.” Maybe if I got away from the people I knew in high school I could finally let go of my old shyness. Maybe I could make some friends and… who knows… even get a nice girlfriend?

But after a few weeks in university, my hope was shattered. And I realized something horrible: Even though I had moved to a new place…

I… was still me.

I had carried “my old self” with me to the new city. My old insecurities and fears came rushing back as soon as I moved into my room. I was living in a big house with eight roommates and… guess what?

I Spent Most Of My Time Trying To Avoid All Of Them!

Whenever I had to eat, I tried to make sure no one was in the kitchen. I tiptoed around so people wouldn’t hear me going to my room. On the weekends, I shut myself in my room and prayed nobody would decide to invite friends over.

My extreme shyness was making me isolated from friends… from a girlfriend… from having a life that was actually interesting. And even though I was living in a house with several people, I was starting to feel like a crazy hermit and a complete loner.

One day I even overheard a couple of my roommates talking about me. They were wondering what I did all the time because they never saw me. (I was always on my computer in my room.)

I won’t bore you with the rest of the details, but it was around that time I decided to try something desperate.

I decided to spend several months going through every psychology book that was even a little bit related to shyness. I read scientific studies, I read the bestselling “conversation tips” books, I learned from dating coaches, I listened to audio programs and video seminars on confidence.

I Became Obsessed With Finding A Solution To End My Shyness!

And what I discovered is that there really was no one single solution out there.

However, there were usually one or two useful tips or techniques in each book or product I went through. And when I combined them all together I started to see myself actually overcoming my shyness, for real.

Of course, change didn’t happen overnight. It took me a few weeks to figure out what worked… A couple months later people were starting to comment about how “different” I was. One of my classmates even started calling me “New Sean.”

I was no longer the quiet guy who never talked. Instead of sitting alone wondering why people didn’t invite me to do things, I actually had a close group of friends and a social life. Best of all, I even figured out how to get a girlfriend… something I thought would never happen!

That’s me on the left.

And after I experienced my own transformation, I decided to put together this website to help other people like you do the same. Now that you understand exactly where I’m coming from, here are the tips I promised you:

Conclusion

It may take you some time to go through all 9 steps I shared with you. By the end, you’ll have a crystal clear new understanding of your shyness and you will have effective tools to help you start becoming more outgoing and confident.

I also hope you enjoyed reading my story in the beginning. I believe that learning from someone who has actually been in your shoes before is incredibly important. Don’t trust shyness advice from someone who has never had to overcome the problem before… they don’t realize how hard it actually is to act or feel different.

Finally, I have a lot more tips to share with you. Feel free to browse the rest of my articles on this blog and I HIGHLY recommend you sign up to my email newsletter in the box below. That’s where I send out my newest cutting edge tips and updates.

The post How To Overcome Shyness: The Ultimate 3 Step Guide appeared first on Sean Cooper.

For some reason, you get nervous and feel weird or uncomfortable making eye contact with people, as if you’re looking into the other person’s soul, or they will see into your soul.

Maybe you get this sudden urge to turn away and look anywhere but at their eyes. Maybe you also worry that if the other person can see your eyes, they will find out how awkward you feel talking to them and realize you’re a loser.

Have you ever wondered why you feel this way? Why you have such a hard time holding eye contact?

In this article I’ll answer this question, and I’ll also give you some tips about exactly how often and how long you should look someone in the eyes for it to seem “normal.”

Why Is Looking Someone In The Eyes Important?

I’m sure you’ve heard that old saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it that matters.”

Most of human communication is nonverbal. One study at UCLA found that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness has nothing to do with words. What really matters is your body language, vocal tonality and yes, eye contact.

Of all of these, arguably the most important is eye contact. Why? Because we form connections with people through eye contact. In fact, psychologist Arthur Aaron believed you can make anyone fall in love with you by asking them 36 personal questions and then looking them deeply in the eyes for 4 minutes.

So if you want to have real friendships and intimacy and not just shallow small talk, then you will have to start looking people in the eyes. That’s just the way humans work.

Are you human? Then you need to make eye contact, probably lots more than you do now. However, you also don’t want to creep the other person out.

How Much Eye Contact Is Normal?

Eye contact is like salt on french fries. Everyone has a different amount they like to have and it depends on the situation.

Too little salt and the fries are plain and boring. There’s no flavour. Are your conversations just plain boring because of a lack of eye contact? If you don’t look people in the eyes, then there is no real engagement between you two. The other person will feel like you’re not paying attention or you’ll seem really insecure.

However, too much of a good thing is also bad.

Too much salt and nobody will want to eat the fries either. They will spit them out right away. If you give too much eye contact, people will think it’s creepy and won’t want to be around you after their first taste.

That’s why it’s important to look people in the eyes the right amount of time, not too little and not too much.

Back when I was extremely shy and bad at making eye contact, I really wished someone would just tell me EXACTLY how long to look someone in the eyes. So here are some quick and fast rules:

• When talking, make eye contact 1/3 of the time.
• When listening, make eye contact 2/3 of the time.
• For everyday conversation, make eye contact in spurts of 3-4 seconds.

(Side note: I’ve noticed that girls talking to their girl friends usually make a lot more eye contact than guys talking to their guy friends. If you’re ever unsure about what the “right” amount of eye contact is, then observe how much eye contact the other person is giving you and match that.)

Romantic Situations

Some moments are better than others to practice this.

There are some situations where it’s okay to make a lot more eye contact than normal. These are situations where you are talking to someone you like, someone you’re attracted to, someone you’re flirting with.

In these situations, the more eye contact the better. Of course, you shouldn’t be staring at them like a robot 100% of the time, but it’s perfectly okay to hold eye contact for 10-15 seconds or longer on a date. Holding eye contact for a long time like this creates a good type of tension that the other person will often feel as “butterflies” or a “romantic spark.”

Please use some common sense here though. Staring down a stranger on the bus is usually bad and creepy, whether you’re a man or a woman. But making really strong eye contact while you’re having a flirty conversation or on a date is usually really good. It depends on the situation.

How Do You Overcome The Fear And Discomfort?

You know that feeling of nervousness, discomfort, awkwardness or even fear that comes up when you look someone in the eyes? How do you get rid of that?

You’re not gonna like the answer.

…

The answer is practice.

The scientific word for this is progressive desensitization. What does that mean?

Imagine a large staircase. You are at the bottom, and everyone who has no problem making eye contact is at the top. You want to get to the top. How do you get there?

Do you:

1. Jump straight up from the bottom of the staircase to the top?
2. Take the steps up, one at a time?

The logical solution is to take the steps up one at a time. And this is how you’ll train yourself to be more relaxed while making more eye contact with people.

At first you might not even be able to look at someone’s eyes for 1 second. That’s okay. Look in between their eyes at their nose instead. If they aren’t too close, they won’t be able to tell the difference.

Make a conscious effort to do this every time you talk to someone, and slowly you’ll be able to look at their nose for longer and longer stretches of time.

Then you will start looking into their eyes and you’ll get used to that.

It Gets Easier, Trust Me

Yes, at first it will be hard. It will take a lot of effort in the beginning to look people in the eye. But slowly you will get better and you will freak out less the more you practice.

I used to play a game that was very useful. I tried to spot my reflection in their eyes. This made me seem very focused and attentive to the other person, and my conversations became much better. (Surprisingly! I thought this would weird people out to be honest before I tried it.)

Sooner than you can imagine, you won’t even have to think about holding eye contact anymore. Because it will be a new habit for you that you do automatically. And what used to feel uncomfortable will now feel natural.

But What If It Doesn’t Get Easier?

If you continue to feel really nervous and awkward making eye contact even when you’ve tried practicing it, then the root of your problem may be deeper. Perhaps you have some beliefs of inferiority, low self esteem or self shame that cause you to avoid intimacy and hide from connections with other people.

If this sounds like you, then you will want to solve those other issues also. Solving your inner issues, combined with the practice I talked about in this article, will give you success. How do you solve them? Check out my other articles and videos on this website, they will give you more helpful tips and pointers. I recommend you read this one first: Why Am I Shy? The 3 Surprising Reasons…

The post How To Make Eye Contact Without Feeling Awkward appeared first on Sean Cooper.

It’s disgusting.

They have the most pointless conversations imaginable.

• Celebrity gossip.
• The stupid trash movie they saw last week (that really isn’t all that funny).
• Comments about other boring people they know.

Or nothing at all. They just talk on and on and it looks like they even enjoy it. They say almost nothing of substance and everyone else seems to love them for it.

While YOU can barely keep a relatively interesting conversation going. You know that you’re different than most people. That’s why you’re reading this article.

Maybe you’ve listened to some of those conversations. And maybe you’ve considered that you don’t talk much because you have nothing in common with most people. You don’t want to be lonely, but can’t ever imagine being part of such pointless conversations.

How can you add something interesting to a conversation that is about nothing?

But if you want to stop being quiet around people, then you’ll have to learn to talk about nothing. It’s an important social skill to have. (And I’m only joking a little bit here.)

What Should I Talk About?

You’ve come to this article because you want to know what to say. You want me to tell you some good things to talk about. But the question “What should I talk about?” is the wrong one.

Did you really believe people talk about stuff that actually matters?

They don’t, and for a good reason.

Most people have nothing real interesting to say. They just don’t know enough to be able to talk about fascinating subjects all the time. Maybe I’m a pessimist in this way, but most people aren’t even that intelligent.

But that doesn’t stop them from having friends. Or girlfriends and boyfriends. Or a social life.

It actually helps. Here’s why…

People Don’t Remember Most Conversations They Have

Most people spend many hours talking throughout the day. They have many conversations with many different people. They talk about their new cat, their vacation in Fiji and what someone else posted on Facebook. They talk about Kanye West, Taylor Swift, Obama, sports, music, makeup, celebrities and so on.

Most people’s problem is not thinking of something to say… it’s shutting up for once!

View post on imgur.com

Yet how many of those conversations do you think they remember?

The trap many shy people fall into is believing every conversation you have must be interesting and important. You might obsess about some small conversation you had with someone for days afterwards. You might lay in bed thinking about what you said, imagining what you could have said, analyzing what you did right and wrong, and planning what you’re going to say to the person the next time they see them.

But tell me, how much has the other person thought of the conversation?

They’ve probably forgotten about it entirely. Because they had plenty of other conversations that pushed it out of their mind. Maybe they had new problems to solve or events to go to. In the end, one little conversation means nothing to the average person in the grand scheme of things. At least it shouldn’t.

That’s why no matter what you say to someone in the average conversation, they will almost 100% certainly forget it within a few days. Because of this, you don’t need to have something particularly interesting to say. You just need to say something.

People don’t remember what you said, but they do remember that you had something to say. In the end, you can talk about interesting stuff, or “nothing.” Nothing is much easier.

Why Should I Want To Talk About Nothing, Anyway?

Good question.

Maybe you’ve agreed with me so far in this article. You find most conversations pointless, so you would rather just so something different. You can always spend the time: reading books, doing your favorite hobby, playing a video game or changing the world.

These are all great things to do, and you should definitely do what you want to.

But you should also find time to make small talk and socialize with people. This gives you much different feelings of belonging and connectedness that other activities never will. It brings a feeling of balance to your life and makes you feel understood by other human beings which gets rid of loneliness. And most importantly, it is what we were meant to do naturally.

People are supposed to be able to make conversation naturally and talk openly about whatever dumb thing comes into your mind, except your shyness gets in the way.

Fortunately, there are several techniques you can use to make words flow out of your mouth like water in a stream, many helped me overcome my own shyness immensely.

How Do I Talk About Nothing?

Did you ever see someone you’d like to say “Hello” to… and then you began to plan out exactly how you’re going to say it and what funny remark you’re going to say afterwards?

Don’t do that.

First of all, it’s too much effort to carefully plan everything you’re going to say. It’s like having a “filter” between your brain and your mouth, only letting through the few remarks that pass your high standards.

You have to stop thinking about what you’re going to say before you say it. Don’t think when you’re talking. Don’t decide on what you’re going to say. Keep your mind completely blank, and just let whatever wants to come out, come out.

Essentially, what you’re doing is making talking spontaneous. You stop using your rational brain and start using your instincts and “gut feeling” more often. This means you no longer have to actively think about or worry about what you’re going to say next. This does take some getting used to, but soon you’ll find small talk becomes a breeze and it’s actually really FUN!

What To Do When Talking

When you’re talking, you have to be in the present moment.

Shy people are usually stuck in their own little head (I would know) thinking about something they just said, and how funny or horrible it was. Or they’re worrying about what they’re going to have to say next, and how to avoid looking nervous or awkward.

Being stuck in your head… thinking, worrying, imagining, daydreaming… is the worst thing you could possibly do if you want to have a natural conversation.

It’s because of this that you sometimes run out of things to say. It isn’t like you have nothing to say. You have a whole lifetime of knowledge, experiences and opinions. The real problem is not a lack of thoughts to express, but believing that everything that comes out of your mouth must be interesting, unexpected or funny.

The truth is, people don’t remember most conversations, so it’s useless having something great to say every time it is your turn to talk. Instead, you have to practice speaking without thinking. This lets you relax and enjoy conversations more because you now just say whatever “feels” right.

To be able to do this, you can’t be thinking 10 seconds into the future or 10 seconds into the past. You have to be in the moment.

“What If I Say Something Stupid?”

If you don’t run through whatever you’re going to say in your head, how do you know what you’re actaully going to say?

You don’t. You just have to trust that over many years of conversations and hearing other people talk, you have enough experience to be able to come up with something appropriate to say automatically. This takes a leap of faith at the beginning.

You’ve been carefully thinking about what to say for so long, that just talking spontaneously will seem unnatural at first. Trust me, it’s much easier and it’s how most people talk.

“I’m Too Smart.”

Maybe you still think “regular people” are too different from you. You couldn’t be more wrong.

There are plenty of very smart and social people out there. You being smart and shy has nothing to do with you being a genius, you’ve just gotten into the habit of not talking. And you can break habits.

Here’s What I Do When Meeting New People

Have you ever seen someone you’d like to meet and wondered how to start a conversation?

Maybe it was an attractive girl or guy you really liked, or someone at your work.

If you’re like I used to be, then you probably starting thinking hard about what you could say when you approached them. You thought about funny or interesting ways to start talking to them. You thought about what you could say afterwards to keep the conversation going and avoid an awkward silence.

And guess what always happens? Usually all this thinking just makes you so nervous that you end up never approaching them. Over thinking makes you imagine everything that could go wrong, and you get stuck in paralysis by analysis.

Don’t worry, I used to be the same way.

This is what I do now: When I see someone I want to meet, I give myself 3 seconds to walk over to them. I don’t hesitate and I don’t think for even a second. I keep my mind completely blank and trust that I’m going to have something to say. And you know what? I always do.

Sometimes it’s as simple as: “Hi, I’m Sean” which is good enough. You wouldn’t believe some of the other things I’ve come up with on the spot!

The secret is to not think. Throw yourself into the conversation. You don’t know what you’re going to say, and that’s okay.

Summary

So here’s a list of the main points I’ve covered:

1. It doesn’t matter what you talk about because people forget most conversations completely a few days after they happen.
2. You have to be in the moment, not thinking about what happened 10 seconds ago or what you should say 10 seconds in the future. You have to trust that your mind can come up with the right thing to say automatically, you just have to stop “filtering” or censoring what comes out of your mouth so much.
3. Most people have no idea what’s going to come out of their mouth, even as they’re talking. They are spontaneous when they are socializing. That’s the level you want get to.

Next time you’re in a conversation, talk without thinking. Stop putting pressure on yourself to say interesting, unexpected or funny things all the time. Sure, some conversation topics are better than others, but most of the time people talk about nothing significant. Over time this approach will feel natural.

The post Don’t Know What To Talk About? Here’s Why… appeared first on Sean Cooper.

You can hear and see other people talking to each other. But sometimes… sometimes… you just can’t open your mouth and say anything out loud no matter what. You become a spectator in almost every group conversation, party, or other event.

Honestly, when I was extremely shy it felt more like a physical block than a mental one. Like my brain was always blank with nothing to say. And even if it did think of something I couldn’t get my mouth to work properly and actually say it.

Which is probably why for years I was always known as:

“The Quiet One”

Some people out there claim you should be proud to be an introvert.

I don’t think those people have ever felt the embarrassment of having someone ask you “Why don’t you ever talk?” in front of a circle of people.

That happened to me a few times. Ouch.

Hearing those words felt like being hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. I remember one time it happened and my face starting becoming all red and hot as everyone turned to look at me. And I felt even stupider because I couldn’t even say anything to respond to that! All I could do was keep being silent, and look down in shame and humiliation.

The most frustrating part of it all was: I had no clue WHY I acted so shy and quiet sometimes. If I could figure that out, then I could stop being this way.

Maybe you feel this way too.

So right now I’m going to share with you WHY you are shy. This is based on my own years of research and first-hand experience with shyness. Once you understand WHY, then “how to overcome shyness” becomes a lot easier, too.

Here’s the first thing you need to understand…

Shyness Is Situational

Most shy people believe that “shyness” is some kind of personality trait. You’ve probably heard other people label you “shy” before, as if shyness was a permanent thing like your hair colour or nationality. Yet think about it this way:

Are you shy all the time?

Even around your closest friends? Are you equally shy when talking to someone you find attractive as someone you don’t care about? Do you feel equally nervous talking to one person as to a group of people?

The answer is no (almost definitely).

For example, take a look at the most popular searches in Google:

People are usually searching about why they are shy in specific situations or around specific people. (Like around guys, around a girl, at school, etc.)

That means that shyness is really situational. It’s a reaction you have to your environment, and it’s different depending on the situation and people in it.

• Maybe if you’re standing beside your crush (a person you have feelings for romantically) at a party, your mind is literally blank and you have no clue what to talk about.
• But if you’re having a coffee with your two closest friends and talking about a common passion you have, you literally can’t shut up about it.
• And in your average day, you probably act a lot MORE or LESS shy as your environment changes.

YOU are not “a shy person,” you only become shy in some situations. (And yes, this is true even if you are shy in the majority of your life situations.)

This basic but profound insight transforms your question from: Why am I shy?

To…

WHY am I shy in some situations and not others?

As you can see, this is a lot closer to the reality of shyness for 99% of people. And in the rest of this article, I’ll try to explain some common reasons why you become shy in certain situations or with certain people.

Here are the 3 biggest reasons:

1. You NEED something from the other person, usually acceptance/approval.

Here’s an easy question: Who is more nervous usually — a job interviewer or the interviewee?

The person being interviewed is much more nervous usually.

Why?

Well, if they feel like they need the job, then they will be trying to create a good impression on the other person to get it. This naturally creates a type of performance anxiety which is why most people are nervous before job interviews.

Similarly, shy people have such a strong need for the acceptance, approval and validation of other people that they often feel like a person being interviewed for a job. In social situations they may sweat nervously, try to only say very interesting things that will impress the other person, and they are relieved to get away.

Let’s go back to the job interview example…

When a person doesn’t NEED the job, they will usually not feel so nervous. For example, if the job is easy to replace like a minimum wage fast food job. Or if the person already has a job that is almost as good as the one he’s being interviewed for. Or if he’s very well qualified for this type of job and has 12 similar interviews scheduled already. The person still WANTS the job, but they don’t desperately NEED it.

Shy people become tense, censor what they say and are afraid to speak up… because they have a desperate NEED to be liked, accepted and validated by other people. This is usually called “caring too much what other people think.”

When you don’t NEED people to like you, then you will naturally be more relaxed, open and at ease with them. Ironically, this increases the chances that they will actually like you.

So what causes this hole of neediness for the approval of other people?

There’s many possible causes that I don’t have time to explain now, but here’s one example:

A confident kid switches schools and they suddenly find themselves in a new environment without any of their old friends. Suddenly they feel needy to make people like them so they can make some new friends. This leads to shyness that sometimes sticks into adulthood. I hear this story surprisingly often.

Or perhaps a kid is bullied by people at their school, which makes them feel alone and friendless. This also leads to being needy for the acceptance of others which manifests as shy behavior.

“Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted. We are, perhaps, rather dimly aware of the immense power of our social environment.” – Alan Watts

Now onto the 2nd reason…

2. You believe the other person is higher value than you.

In my popular article about overcoming shyness around girls, I mentioned something I call “Fat Girl Syndrome”…

Basically, that means that most guys who feel extremely shy, nervous and unsure what to say to a cute girl… will often find it 100x easier to talk normally to a woman they are not attracted to because she is ugly, fat, old, etc.

This is because the shy guy VALUES the really cute girl more because of her looks. (Yes, I know this is not “politically correct,” but it’s how human psychology works.)

So… What makes you see someone as valuable?

The answer isn’t as easy as you might believe. I’ve come to realize that everyone has a hidden inner system of valuing people. This is often based on the other person’s attractiveness, popularity, confidence, dominance, authority, etc.

If you feel like someone else is “higher value” than you, then you will start to shy, quiet, nervous or awkward around them. For example, if you’re a guy this may happen around very attractive women. If you’re a girl, it may happen around guys you like or have a crush on. It’s likely to happen around authority figures like a boss, teacher, etc.

Now think about the people who you feel little or no shyness around. Maybe they’re unattractive or weird. Maybe they’re even more shy or insecure than you. Maybe they’re even less popular. Maybe they’re younger than you or very old. These are the people that you secretly feel are equal or “lower value” than you. Around them you probably act a lot more confident and expressive, and you don’t feel nearly as self conscious or unsure of what to say.

So pay attention around WHO you act more shy around to see who you secretly value. Your actions will reveal your unconscious belief system to you.

Usually a high value person can GIVE you something. Maybe it’s your boss who can give you his approval or a raise. Maybe it’s someone you find attractive who could possibly give you a relationship or sex. Maybe it’s a popular or well connected person who could increase your social circle or reputation or “coolness.”

A low value person can’t really “give” you much, which is why you don’t feel as shy with them.

The only 2 real solutions to this problem are:

• Increase how much you value yourself. (I call this your self esteem.)
• Or knock other people off the pedestal. (Most shy people feel inferior and assume that everyone else has a much more interesting, cool and active life than the average person actually does.)

Now the 3rd cause of shyness…

3. You feel uncomfortable with yourself.

Shyness and insecurity, the two seem to always go together. Feeling insecure about yourself will make you avoid attention & connection because you don’t want people to see the thing you are insecure or uncomfortable about.

For years I was extremely insecure about my slightly crooked front teeth. Many shy people have insecurities about their physical appearance and believe they are ugly. (Usually they pick one small bad thing about their appearance and then obsess over it non stop as if this is the ONE thing everybody else will notice and remember about them.)

Let me tell you, I’ve been there. It’s a miserable place to be, insecurity eats away at your confidence until you have none left. But there are also other types of insecurities:

• Some shy people feel like they are simply dull, boring and uninteresting.
• Or they feel stupid because of their awkward conversation skills.
• Or they are losers with no friends and an unattractive lifestyle.

These can all make you feel like other people wouldn’t accept you if they TRULY knew you. So you hide your true self. Maybe you try to be the type of person you think others want you to be. Maybe you never share your REAL thoughts, interests, passions or hobbies with people.

Being uncomfortable with yourself makes you scared to share yourself with people or form deeper connections. And telling someone to “be yourself” or “just be happy with who you are” is easier said than done.

“Being lonely is hard, but what’s harder is when you’re surrounded by people and still feel lonely.” -Unknown

Conclusion

Shyness can stop you from living life fully. Whether you want a girlfriend, a better social life, more confidence at work, etc… shyness can freeze you.

The biggest thing you need to remember from this article is that shyness is NOT a permanent personality trait. YOU are not shy, you just become shy in some situations depending on where you are and who you’re with.

So WHY do you become shy sometimes?

1. It may happen when you NEED the other person’s acceptance or approval, similar to how a job interviewee becomes nervous when they NEED the job.
2. Or it may have to do with how much you value the other person compared to yourself. If you value the other person a lot (maybe because they’re very attractive)… or you don’t value yourself much (low self esteem)… then you will become shy, quiet or awkward.
3. The last reason is when you feel uncomfortable with yourself. When you feel insecure about your appearance, personality or lifestyle… then you will shy away from attention because you don’t want other people to notice the secret thing you feel ashamed about.

I hope this article has given you some insight into how your shyness works. I recommend you sign up for my email newsletter below if you’d like to learn my BEST tips.

The post Why Am I Shy? The 3 Surprising Reasons… appeared first on Sean Cooper.