Do You Run Out Of Things To Say?

Then Let Me Send You This 5 Minute Video - Sign Up Now!
1. FREE Video
"How To Always Know What To Say Next"
2. FREE Email Newsletter
My latest tips and advice delivered straight to you.
No spam guaranteed.

Shy Around Girls? 3 Simple Steps To Overcome It

Shy Around Girls? 3 Simple Steps To Overcome It

If you want to learn how to stop being shy around girls, then this article will break it down for you in 3 simple steps that you can start using today.

A lot of the information on the internet about overcoming shyness around girls is just plain wrong. Back when I was shy around girls, I remember reading things like “Don’t talk too much. Listen and let her talk” or “What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

That type of advice would be great for someone who was already a blabbermouth, but how about the guy who is ACTUALLY SHY? What about the guy who can’t walk up to a girl and talk to her because he feels too nervous? What about the guy who’s smart enough to know that nothing really bad can happen, but he still feels that overwhelming anxiety that stops him every time?

Eventually I realized most of the people typing this stuff up had never been shy around girls themselves, they had just thrown up a webpage to make some quick money.

This Article Is For The Really Shy

Most guys feel a little nervous around the girls they like, but they’re able to take a deep breath, push through it, and become comfortable with them over time. That’s not who this post is for.

This post is for the guys who feel really anxious, scared and inhibited around girls. If you get a strong physical feeling of anxiety when you think of talking to a girl you like, or you feel a powerful, paralyzing hesitation when you want to approach or ask out a girl, then this post is for you.

I’ve broken it down to three parts: Overcoming inferiority, not being too invested, and becoming assertiveness. This post is going to go into more depth than anything else out there. Bookmark this page now so you can come back to it again and again.

Now here’s step one…

1. Overcome Your Inferiority

From my experience teaching hundreds of shy people over the past couple of years, both guys and girls, I’ve found the cause of most shyness is a feeling of inferiority. If you feel you are somehow “less valuable” than the girl, then you will feel shy and nervous around her.

Let me illustrate this with an example.

Fat Girl Syndrome

Imagine a fat or unattractive girl who you know. Do you feel any anxiety or nervousness around her? No, probably not. And if you do, it will still be far less than around the girl you are attracted to.

Think about the way you talk to girls who you aren’t really attracted to. Are you more relaxed and casual around them? Do you talk to them the same way you would talk to a guy friend? Meanwhile around a girl you find attractive your mind suddenly goes blank and you can’t think of what to say.

Why does this happen? Why are you only shy around certain girls? This happens when you place so much value on looks that a good looking girl becomes intimidating.

The solution is, of course, to stop placing so much value on looks. Treat an attractive girl in the same casual, natural way you would treat a guy friend or unattractive girl. Sure, you may be attracted more to a good looking girl, but physical looks alone shouldn’t be enough to immediately make you intimidated and won over.

Photo credit: David Urbanke

I remember back when I was very shy around girls, I would start to really like a girl and start to fantasize about our future together … without ever really having talked to her!

In hindsight, it seems so foolish, yet so many shy guys do it. They become infatuated with a girl just based on how she looks from a distance. They haven’t even talked to her yet, yet they start to imagine a future together with her. (I’ll talk more about these unrealistic fantasies later.)

It’s better to have an attitude of “what else do you offer?” Does the girl have something other than her looks going for her? There are plenty of cute girls in the world, but it’s rare to find a girl you can have fun with and one that has a personality that “clicks” with yours.

Do not put the girl on a pedestal before you even know her. Treat her as an equal human being, not a goddess. That’s why so many women give guys the advice to “be yourself.” They don’t like it when a guy is trying hard to impress them and get them to like him when they haven’t done anything to deserve his attention yet except looking pretty.

Realize that how someone looks does not dictate how valuable they are. Being good looking is more about luck in getting the right genes than anything else. Would you think that a lottery winner was superior to you?

Being Less Experienced

Another way of feeling inferior is thinking that being less experienced than the girl with relationships will immediately make you repulsive to her.

Back when I was shy, I remember I kept having to think I had to “hide” the fact I had never had a girlfriend. I thought that if the girl realized from the way I acted that I was romantically or sexually inexperienced, then that meant she would just get up and leave automatically.

The truth is, by having an attitude of feeling undeserving of more experienced girls, then you are only sabotaging yourself. If you have grown up somewhat shy and socially awkward, then it will be almost inevitable that most girls will be more experienced than you.

In order to “catch up,” you need to start to talk to, and become involved with, these girls. That’s actually a great perspective to have. The fact that you are less experienced than average does not mean girls do not like you. It just means that you have some catching up to do because of your shyness or social anxiety. You just started later than everyone else. And that brings me to the last point…

Being Hard On Yourself and Insecure

Remember the first key lesson: The less valuable you think you are compared to someone, the more shy you will feel around them. Inferiority makes you feel not entitled to be confident and express your personality.

Ask yourself: “How do I make myself feel inferior than other people?”

One big problem you may have to overcome is your own thoughts. Many shy people have a constant stream of thoughts that point out what a loser they are.

If you constantly think about why you’re a loser, how you aren’t good looking, how you have some physical flaw that needs to be fixed, how you’re a loner with little or no friends, how you’ve never even kissed a girl, etc … then you are just sabotaging yourself.

By being too hard on yourself and being insecure about your appearance you are constantly reinforcing the idea in your mind that you are inferior to the girl. This makes it IMPOSSIBLE for you to be confident around her, because you think she is more valuable.

And if you are lacking confidence and can’t even talk to her normally, then you have no chance of attracting her and forming a relationship.

Confidence and personality are more attractive than physical appearance to most girls. Your looks don’t matter nearly as much as you think they do. If you don’t believe me, then look around. All the good looking girls are around the confident, popular, charismatic guys. On the other hand, many of the good looking guys who are shy are stuck alone or with a girl they’re not really attracted to. Looks matter much more to guys than girls.

So the most important thing is to cut out any thoughts that sabotage your confidence or make you inhibited. This means to notice when you are having self-defeating thought patterns and stop them in their tracks.

Any thought that makes you think you are less valuable will only sabotage your progress in becoming less shy around girls. Notice when they occur, challenge them with the ideas you’ve learned so far, and instead try to focus on your good qualities that you are proud of. Remind yourself that girls aren’t really after the best-looking guy, but one who can be confident and talk to them without being intimidated by their superficial qualities.

2. Stop Being Too Invested In One Particular Girl

If there’s one thing that all shy guys have in common, it’s that they have a tendency to pick one girl that may show them even the slightest interest an then become obsessed by her.

Stop The Unrealistic Fantasies

Do you find yourself picking out one girl that you like and then thinking for hours about what it would be like to date her and have a relationship with her?

Maybe the girl showed you a little bit of interest. Maybe you just talked to her once for a couple minutes. Or maybe she’s in your class and you’ve never spoken a word to her before.

If you are constantly fixated on one girl at a time and playing out fantasies in your head about what it would be like to date her, then you are again sabotaging yourself.

What do you think happens when you decide you want to finally go talk to the girl in real life? You’re too nervous to even move. You’ve thought about her so long and built her up in your mind into such a perfect creature that you become literally paralyzed by fear.

Photo Credit: Millzero Photography

Meanwhile, the girl may not even be aware that you even exist.

 

All the thinking makes you unable to approach her and talk to her casually. And even if you do, the way you behave around her still communicates to her that you would be totally crushed if she was to disapprove of you in any way or reject you.

The problem is, you became too emotionally invested in the girl before she had done anything to earn your attention. You put so much time and effort thinking about her that her rejection of you would ruin your fantasyland image of you two together.

Don’t Have Too Many Expectations

One thing in particular shy guys do is they may talk to an attractive girl for a few seconds and then put too much meaning into the interaction. They may start fantasizing about the girl like I said above. They may go out of their way to pass her in the hallway. They may even stalk her photos on Facebook.

(For any girls reading this: Yes, guys are creepy. It’s true.)

The key to avoiding this issue is to talk to girls without having a hidden agenda to make her your one true love. Don’t have too many expectations about a future relationship with any one particular girl until you have spent a decent amount of time getting to know her.

The reason why is that people tend to put out their best parts for the world to see.

Until you have gotten to know someone over a period of time, you have no idea what they’re actually like. That girl you think is perfect may be annoying to hang out with, she may be needy, she may be insecure despite being beautiful, she may be completely unintelligent, or she may be into the celebrity gossip shows you hate.

And if you don’t get to know her, then you’ll never realize you were just seeing her through rose-colored glasses.

The point is, don’t be won over by looks alone. There are plenty of cute girls out there. Many of those are as cute as the one you are obsessed about … and they have a personality you will like spending time with!

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying:

For every hot girl out there, there’s some guy that’s sick of f**king her.

So after you’ve talked to some girl, don’t start imagining a future together with her right away. This will just make you nervous to ever talk to her again. Instead, keep it casual and see where it goes.

Guys who have little relationship experience tend to be naive and think that most relationships develop like a romantic movie from Hollywood. Two lovers fall into each others arm when they first see each other. The reality is much different. Long-term relationships develop over time and are always a work-in-progress.

3. Be Assertive

One way to stop being so invested in one particular girl is to have many options instead of one. The best way to do this is to talk to many women on a weekly or daily basis. If you only talk to one new girl a month, then it will be hard not to think about her. But if you are constantly meeting new girls then it becomes a lot easier to see her as just a girl you talked to one time and that’s it.

Fate Doesn’t Exist

Many guys who are inexperienced with women have wrong and naive ideas about how relationships work. Maybe you think that the best strategy to get a girlfriend is to wait for the right circumstances.

Are you waiting for a situation where you just happen to meet a girl, you magically aren’t nervous about talking to her, don’t have to ask her out, and she makes all the moves? That’s like waiting for the stars to align.

The harsh reality is that you are going to have to work and learn to cope with your nervousness if you want to have a girlfriend. The universe will not deliver one to you. Sure, you may get lucky a couple times where a girl puts in all the work to get to know you, asks you out, and makes all the moves. BUT … she probably won’t be the same girl that you want.

If you want something, you’ve got to go after it, especially when it comes to dating for guys.

Guys Are The Ones Who Make Moves

In our society, or perhaps due to our biological programming, it’s the guys who need to be assertive about meeting new girls and becoming physical with them.

Don’t like that? Too bad. That’s just the way it works. It may suck if you’re a shy guy, but it is what it is. Learn to accept it and live with it.

You’re going to be the one to approach. You’re going to be the one who asks for the phone number. You’re going to be the one who goes for the kiss. Going after a girl you want involves risking rejection every step of the way.

How do you overcome this fear of rejection? You desensitize yourself to it so many times that it doesn’t bother you much anymore.

Photo Credit: Foto Martien

Don’t Hesitate

Being assertive is like a muscle. The more you do it, the less effort it takes.

When you try to go for the kiss with a girl for the first time, or you want to walk up and talk to a girl, you will probably hesitate a little.

You’ll stop yourself.

Then when you try to do it in a couple minutes again, your “mental barrier” to acting becomes higher. It becomes even more difficult to “just do it.”

And the longer you think about whether you should make your move or not, the more anxiety you feel. It’s just like when you think of a girl for months and it becomes impossible to talk to her. You’ve built it up in your mind so much that you’ve become a victim of paralysis by analysis.

Instead, you need to act more upon that first impulse. That first impulse is your best shot at actually doing it. All the thinking that happens later only serves to talk you out of acting on that impulse.

If a girl rejects your attempt at a kiss, then all you have to do is smile and keep talking to her normally. Then go for it again ten minutes later. Many times the girl isn’t rejecting you, she just doesn’t feel comfortable at that moment.

If you talk to a girl and she doesn’t like you, then don’t start thinking of ways to make her like you. There are literally billions of girls out there, just try a different one.

Conclusion

I hope these tips help you to get over your shyness around girls. Much of this information was a turning point for me going from a hopeless guy with extreme shyness and social awkwardness to someone who has overcome shyness and has decent social skills. Enough to talk to girls I’m attracted to without feeling shy at all.

If you enjoyed this post, then I have some good news.

I’m putting together an email course specifically about how to overcome shyness around girls. These emails are going to go more in-depth about where to meet girls, what to say to make them attracted, how to get sexual with girls, and so on.

This course is NOT for guys who can get some dates already. It’s specifically designed for guys who are very shy around girls.

This is going to be a completely FREE email course (for now). But since there is so much demand for this information I may take it down any day and instead sell a product on overcoming shyness around girls.

You can sign up for it by entering your name and email into this form.






Enter Your Email Here 

We respect your email privacy

37 Responses to Shy Around Girls? 3 Simple Steps To Overcome It

  1. mr.trance January 2, 2013 at 5:01 am #

    cool bro

  2. Manish February 16, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

    Some of it is really good advice.

  3. Khan II March 1, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

    Good Advice man.. really helps me alot … Thanks

  4. Mr. Shy Guy March 13, 2013 at 3:38 am #

    Thanks bro, i hope your advice helps me out tomorrow, imma try doing some of the things you said. Like talking to her like she is one of the guys, i would have never thought of that.

    • Alan March 13, 2013 at 11:14 pm #

      good idea bro, that really works, just remember (the more you wait, the harder it gets) make it quick and “just do it” ;)

  5. Coolone April 1, 2013 at 5:59 pm #

    Finally, none of that cliché rubbish advice that is all over the internet. This is great advice and I will recommend it to whoever is in need of it. Thanks Mr Cooper, finally something that gives hope to some shy guy out there in this world. Someone who is too afraid to even talk to the potential girl of his dreams.

  6. dfghsbdnhrbds April 10, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    very helpfull thanks!

  7. Aran April 13, 2013 at 6:38 am #

    Thank you this might actually help me a lot

  8. Rahul April 21, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    This article hits the nail on the head. So true, reading this has given me motivation to keep meeting new girls and of course don’t care about rejection.

  9. michael lipenko May 6, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    thx so much for the advice i will try my best to overcome my fear

  10. A girl in here May 16, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    Works for girls too…thank you so much!

  11. Eli May 17, 2013 at 2:24 am #

    Thx bro ur a lifesaver hope this works tomorrow

  12. Recovering Fantasizer May 27, 2013 at 11:36 pm #

    Good tips. Wish I read earlier in life before shyness became like a habit. Shaken it for the most part but got ways to go in the assertive area. Talking to girls is like getting into a fight, if u don’t fight often, u feel like a hit will shatter your face, it won’t. Much like rejection won’t shatter your entire being. After you have suffered the first hit. It gets easier.

  13. pinkmoon May 31, 2013 at 11:15 am #

    Yeah. Good points, however, I probably will still just be shy and alone.

    • Really shy boy February 14, 2014 at 9:34 pm #

      Ops, I have the same feeling, but I will try it. I don’t have anything to lose.

  14. Dorvell June 4, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    I never really thought of myself as a shy guy until I read this. You have no idea how much this applies to me, especially the bit about the self-sabotaging thoughts dealing with why no girl would want me because of insert reason here. For a long time, I’ve had this thought that no girl would want me because I can’t see, and that thought seems to enter my head quite a lot. Another thought that, while negative is also true, is that so much of someone’s interest in another person is communicated through visual cues such as body language; This only adds to my shyness and insecurity when it comes to the opposite sex, as does the fact that I was never really taught what alternative signals to… shall we say look for.
    I’ll work harder on stopping those thoughts and others like them from holding me back in the future, though! Thanks!

    Then, there was the bit about developing an interest in a girl just because she shows what a shy guy perceives as even the slightest amount of interest in him. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that!

    Of course none of these tips will help just like that, but I’d better get going if I want my situation to improve!
    :)
    Thanks again and BTW, I apologize if I spilled my guts too much on your blog.

  15. the fun June 6, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

    Dude.. you just described my whole life.. thanks a lot and hope i finally manage to talk to girls..

  16. Huge Fantasizer June 17, 2013 at 2:15 am #

    damn done learned lotta stuff over here i’ve done imaginally built empires and empires lol even had kids with girls i don’t talk to lol…very helpful…

  17. dorian July 3, 2013 at 10:33 am #

    wow all of these things were my problems thank you so much!

  18. kanthi July 26, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    what you said is like a turn in my life

    ……………………..thank you very much

  19. Anonymous123 August 27, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

    Thanks bro, really good advice.

  20. Ehtasham September 11, 2013 at 9:16 am #

    Sean Cooper I don’t know how to give a big thanks! But I want to thank you to give some really helpful advice to us. It seems like you were in the same situation in where I am right now. God bless you.

  21. Mukul September 11, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    Exceptional tips sir !
    The inferiority syndrome was so true and the one I could relate the most to… The fate and unrealistic fantasies part as well… Bullseye… I’m already feeling confident by reading this wonderful article… I know what to do next… Thanks a lot bud.. I’m really grateful and appreciate your work and the article! Helps a ton…

  22. Hit it on the Head... September 13, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

    WOW! You described darn near everything I go through on a daily basis. I mean word for word. I haven’t been like this my whole life but I have been suffering like this for about the past five years now. Mine, unfortunately, comes from HORRIBLE self-image which can’t be cured by simply reading and applying these suggestions to my daily life.

  23. Tobias September 26, 2013 at 5:49 am #

    This is going to help me lots and I love how its simple and realistic and I can actulay do these instead of just go for it nothing bad can happen and just talk to them

  24. Wingnut September 26, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

    Of course, one has to be careful not to use the term shy too broadly. The introvert is a natural creature and should not necessarily feel obliged to change just to fit in. If human natural selection worked right, the world would be a better place. Is it? Not really. Women would do well to pick up these “shy” guys more often. That’s where the deepest kinds of love are to be found.

  25. shy around girls September 27, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    this really describe my self. I hope when i going to use your advice will really help me to talk with girls thanks

  26. temi October 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

    u really gave my life a turning point:::::::::::i read this post early this year….now am so hot.lol……….ain’t got fears and shit anymore

  27. self sabotage November 2, 2013 at 6:45 am #

    I need to read this article from you Mr.Cooper a long time ago. Everything you describe is exactly what I’ve been experiencing. Now I need to put in the effort and apply your suggestions into my daily life. I think this will make a tremendous difference in the results. So cool to know there are shy guys out there just like me.

  28. Andy November 5, 2013 at 8:31 pm #

    I wish I had this article many years ago. Am confident now … but not then. Totally agree with the info here – spot on.

  29. Some random person November 11, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

    I blame my nervousness on all the foster care and boy shelters growing up. I never really got to socialize much with the girls. However, it’s time to take some initiative. Half of the females I know dig me I’m just to damn quiet. Thanks for the inspiration man. 1luv

  30. Really shy boy February 14, 2014 at 9:32 pm #

    In case, I confronted with a pretty girl, I even cannot say hello to her. It really sucks. I hope your tips could work for me. Thanks

  31. Meghan lover March 13, 2014 at 5:19 am #

    Before me and my gf were dating we talked more than when we did after. I have school tomorrow and I and going to start a conversation with her. Ps she’s hot

  32. Jake March 26, 2014 at 10:59 am #

    Thanks for the advice! I really need to break out of this awkward bubble before it’s too late.

  33. killa April 12, 2014 at 6:45 am #

    Wow it is so true , every thing you said really reflected me I`m really really a shy guy . But after reading this i feel confident aready. Thank u MR Cooper

  34. lynne May 7, 2014 at 10:46 am #

    Great article ! I’m sure it will be a very enlightening advice for guys out there. Thanks for sharing.

  35. Some shy guy May 14, 2014 at 4:02 am #

    Hey man, I’m 15 and I’m a sophtmore at high school. I was bullied about my appearance all through elementary and middle school. High school has been different since I moved. Nobody messes with me and I have made some friends but, still I can’t talk to girls. this has been a problem for me until i read this. Everything you ever said applies to me! This has helped me tremendously dude. I think the part about pushing away all bad qualities or rejection or something like that made me really feel better about this stuff. Thanks man god bless you.

Leave a Reply